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[1996] when the twelth moon rises over new-fallen snow shall the guardian of the forest show you the way if you do not follow forever will you be lost. follow me follow me if you can see the restless sea the infinite sea now always forever will you be lost in the deep unending sea [1997] running along...on a fruitful wild gooseberry chase... ...huff puff...puff... Up springs a magic dragon! With a charming glint in its eye... scintillatingly glittering streaks of magic [1998] what do ay want in communicating with others i don't get any satisfaction by communicating with people who don't share my views and what do i need pple who share my views for when i have myself? would they give me satisfaction? would i feel like i found my niche? do i want a niche? why do i want to feel like i extend outside of myself outside of this brain, this body is it too small? it is my entire universe. is it not vast? [1999] enlightened is just another word for happy for being so happy that you will never be unhappy again happiness and contentness til the end of the world and beyond they never talk about any morose enlightened people, do they? damn. stop shining that bright light on me! [1999] i have no soul. maybe i was born without one. like a demon. i'm a demon a she-devil or maybe it just left i remember when it went i never thought i would be the one left behind you assume you are your soul, not what's left behind. . a sweetness of being? and wilt thou not kill? not kill an innocent? not for me, not for thee, not for thee? you are not happy in the sun this is not the sun. it is rotting it is what? a lesson? a method? one dead squirrel. i will not kill, except accidentally? in the sun forever? will you not shrivel and turn to dust? what sun is this? flourescent incandescent greyness nay, nay! for thee only for thee i shall not see but thee blinded by my sun oh my oh me o mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go beelzebub has a devil in store for me no, no, no, No! do not let me go! 'f i stare at the mighty bright sun long enough, it will accompany even into the darkest shadows afterimage shining on my eyelids blinding dark blindingly bright all i see is you [2000] my head will pop the acid will explode will melt you down and eat you up [2000] is this hell? a learning experience? heaven hell life learn something why should life after death be better or worse than life before death life is life na nah-nah na nah is a fish trapped in a pond is a tree trapped in place in the earth? is a person trapped in a place? in a mind? are you trapped if you do not see the cage the inside and the outside? is a fish in the ocean trapped? . diminish pain by imagining a greater pain? . what's the difference between truly caring about someone and only caring insofar as not wanting the other person to hurt because one knows how it hurts to hurt? what is caring? is it just liking someone/something enjoying its company/presence enough that you would be hurt/lose the enjoyment if that someone/something changed or went away? which is really about yourself not the other person except that to the other person/the someone that might be considered caring. they care about you means that your presence/being affects them a case where out-of-sight is not out-of-mind. so if you do not affect anyone, how could anyone really care about you? i don't seem to care about having been in california it must not have affected me except in a vaguely painful disquieting way why do things not affect me anymore? why don't i care? interesting. almost a paradox. [2000] vanyel's ice plain is sort of like my desert was obviously i wouldn't choose an ice plain to get away from pain knowing how coldness affects me. blankness time ?? huh? uh... ?? time passes "Iuhh... err" sunlight streaming down clouds passing wind shadows blank "uhh..." huh? what? (tick tock you're just sitting there. what's going on?) huh? what? . if my life does not feel worth living who is to say that stopping "bad things" from happening would make other people's lives better? if bad things are not happening to me, and i don't have a good life, who am i to suppose that other people would have a better life without bad things? perhaps it is the bad things that make their lives lively. or is my life bad because bad things happen to other people? perhaps having bad things happen, even if not to me, is a bad thing happening to me. perhaps other bad things are happening to me, which i do not recognize. perhaps bad things are not important or relevant to enjoying life. perhaps it is only good things that matter. perhaps bad things are only relevant when they affect good things. where are the good things? perhaps a lack of good things is a bad thing happening to me. no, really, i'm fine. considering. [feb 2001] You can't tell what others are thinking or feeling (as if they have a wall around them). So you put up your own wall around yourself to keep them from seeing you. ~ to like - to be affected - "affection" [2001] the real test of a person is not in giving them a set of rules to follow and seeing if they follow them; it is in giving them no rules at all; by making there be no backlash - social, moral, religious, physical, or any other kind at all - against them for whatever wrong things they may do; in making it easy for them to follow the pack, by surrounding them by people who are setting the wrong examples; and seeing if they nevertheless break away from the crowd, and make their own path, as difficult as that may be. then can one see their heart [apr 5, 2001] (what does it mean when in my fantasies, i end up (not necessarily end) wanting to die, or kill myself?) (do i like that feeling of despair?) [apr 23, 2001] do you suppose that when you die, the memories of your life will slip away like dreams do when you wake up? is waking up each morning like dying? half moons are called first and last quarter moons... [summer 2001] Death is a friend out there waiting for us to take away all our pains and troubles It is nice just knowing, or believing for the moment when it matters, that this Friend does exist It doesn't mean that we will rush to them, it's nice just knowing... sometimes [july 27, 2001] futility even if i were to become a warrior even if i were able to be a warrior and even if we won a war we would soon see how small and insignificant our war was compared to the big picture how many wars there are how many forces you can't win a war if you want to be a warrior, you will be a warrior for your whole life until you die because the wars never end and knowing that, how could i be enthused enough to want to dedicate my whole life to some such war? futility is there a different type of war i might find, to fight in? to dance my dance in? am i already dancing it? are there some wars that need to be fought, even though they cannot be won? like life, eh? except we are all involuntary conscripts in life no choice to it and we don't have to fight exactly.. life can be a war or life can be a picnic or whatever metaphor one is in the mood for. [july 31, 2001] being discouraged doesn't do anyone much good except those who are trying to discourage you [aug 22, 2001] i should practice doing embarrassing things, just to get used to it (haven't i enough experience? perhaps one does not get used to it, one gets more wary of it?) get used to it, so that it doesn't factor into my actions or lack of actions [sep 6, 2001] oh the white fogbank i want so badly to walk into it to have it swallow me up to walk into it and become part of it to disappear into it to disappear to have everything go blank lost one but it is always too far away receding tantalizing whispers of white [oct 1, 2001] might as well get used to the fact that though i itch for another chance to fight this guy, to beat him, to defeat him, i will probably never get it and that yet, in spite of this, i now have to forever remain in high-security mode you lost you won game over you don't get another chance. get over it. then again, you should be glad. there are those who continually itch to prove themselves to the world, yet who always end up failing [oct 8, 2001] i survived... i've survived for 29 and a half years... how long... can i continue to... ? sometimes it feels like i will someday reach a point beyond which i cannot go any further a situation for which my flawed personality will find no way through and no way around it must happen it's inconceivable that i've managed this long inconceivable unfathomable so i guess there is no such point [dec 20, 2001] there is noone to hear me here no one to answer in the words of my own language castaway orphan alien a stranger in a strange world [jan 21, 2002] pleasure is a state of mind one can be pleased by anything one chooses to be pleased by [mar 25, 2002] birds pecking for worms, mutilating, killing volcanos erupting, burning, igniting hurricanes blasting, felling, drenching earth quaking, rumbling, cracking rivers flooding, swamping, drowning these things do not cause me bother maybe sadness, ey, but not much bother whereas, the things people do, depresses me. i should view people as forces of nature instead of trying to understand them instead of trying to understand why they do the things they do. instead of trying to find a reason. they do it because they can. the rivers overflow because they can. the rain falls because it does the wind blows because it must. one is not depressed by fire burning, so why be it for people being... they just are, they just do one can try to stop, to protect, to prevent, but one does not need to take everything as a stab in one's heart people will always be capable of cruelty killing shooting raping starving burning torturing it can happen, it will happen, it does happen help, if you wish. if you can. but don't despair over it. ey? hmm. but it could start feeling lonely, regarding everyone as an incomprehensible force of nature, ey? [aug 9, 2002] oh, manipulating bytes in memory is so much fun! good old C is so ... powerful! i'm a numerical wizard tinkering with my numbers... byte-swap here, left-shift there, typecasting everywhere... newfangled user-friendly programming languages just don't give you that. [dec 2, 2003] if i accept the fact that things aren't so bad really, that i can get through this day, that being cold is merely a physical thing that will eventually change into being warm, that i can make it through another day of work, just like i've made it through all the rest, and it's not even so bad, really... if i change my mindset from being unhappy, morose, and moping, to being accepting, calm, and relatively confident of my ability to make it through... in that calm, i still do not feel happiness. i feel nothing... i am still unhappy. so then i have to face the fact that even without these minor problems, even without ... life is unpleasant and not enjoyable. that life sucks, no matter what. perhaps that is why i mope and complain internally about the small things. because when i'm doing that, i can ignore the fact that there is no solution. i can pretend it is only small things that are the problem, small things that can someday be fixed... it's so quiet when my mind stops complaining. so horribly quiet /being/ is so pointless yes, i can make it through another day. but why should i ? simply because i have no choice but to survive? because i don't know how not to? should i expend more effort trying to learn how to escape, or should i just helplessly survive until existence ends on its own? until someone else ends it for me. maybe it will never end until i make it end. escape. disappear. when we have bigger things to worry about, we ignore the little things. why not ignore the little things even when there aren't bigger things? why always be bothered by something? why be bothered by anything? can one enjoy anything when there is not an opposite and equal disenjoyment of something else? would warm weather be enjoyable if cold weather weren't unpleasant? can we ever be happy if we are not first unhappy? perhaps i am not unhappy enough?... doubtful, that. absense vs presence. nothing vs something. as opposed to one extreme vs another extreme. are happiness and unhappiness even true opposites? cold... hot... being warm is in the middle. so being warm is not even the opposite of being cold. it is the lack of being cold (and the lack of being hot). it is an absence. one wants that absence of being afflicted by the temperature? the absence of being afflicted by anything.... is not being bothered by the cold equivalent to being warm, or not? what is happiness? (i cannot conceive it...) if it is mere contentment... lack of discontent... no, it is not. is it enthusiasm, excitement, expectation? expectation of happiness makes one happy? that would be a paradox, would it not? |