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Some of Darkoshi's Errant, Deeply Meaningful, Deadly Serious,
Random, Whimsical, and Mysterious Thoughts
Aug 1998 - May 2002
(in chronologically descending order)
 
__________________________
__________________
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* may 15, 2002 *
 
smite me.
smite me!
crush me into dust
and blow me away
 
 
* february 5, 2002 *
 
with an imaginary person,
you can feel that they care.
 
isn't that weird?
with real people, even if they do care, you can't feel it.
but with imaginary ones, you can.
you can imagine it. with absolute certainty.
everything you want and need, you can imagine.
maybe that's what believers feel of their gods.
 
after feeling such certainty of love...
how can mere mortals ever suffice?
 
 
* january 20, 2002 *
 
i am alone.
i have always been alone.
i will always be alone.
 
but i am not alone.
 
there is no cold without heat,
no darkness without light,
and no aloneness without togetherness.
 
 
another day, another year
and somewhen,
somewhen...
something
 
my entire universe
is it not vast?
 
will end
will all end
 
a shining circle
a shining point
an infinitely small, brightly shining point will get smaller, smaller
brighter, brighter.
it will flare and cease to exist
 
i am alone.
except for everyone within my vast universe.
i have always been alone.
 
what do you want?
 
oh, woe. woe.
 
nothing is more real than the unreal.
i have no emotions
so i have to create them myself.
 
i can't feel something. it is blank.
no matter where i am. it is blank.
a part of my being is missing.
 
outcast
castaway
exile
 
oh please, oh please, i still believe in you...
all my sorrow, all my pain, all my blankness is bearable
if you exist
if you exist to inflict this upon me
i will suffer for you
for i cannot suffer to suffer for nothing
 
 
* december 15, 2001 *
 
so where are the others? maybe there are no others
 
maybe i am unique
 
maybe i am hopeless
 
maybe i am hopelessly lost
 
maybe i am the only one who can navigate my own tangled dreams
 
maybe i am the only dreamer of these tangled dreams
 
maybe i am hopeless
 
i am lost
 
maybe you have lost me
 
maybe i was never found
 
maybe i will never be found
 
maybe i am the only one who will ever find myself
 
and maybe the only one i ever will find will be me
 
maybe i'm not worth finding
 
where are the others?
 
 
* december 1, 2001 *
 
does it not bother you
as you see the video images
of a chicken shivering in shock and fear and perhaps panic
hanging upside down, shackled by its legs
in a line of hundreds of other chickens hanging down
on a conveyor line moving slowly and inexorably on,
the noise of metal blades grinding screeching loudly
 
does it not bother you,
the machines chopping off the chicken's heads?
 
chickens being dragged ever closer and closer to the whirring blades
some still conscious enough to see and hear their neighbors being killed before them
 
blood, feathers, machinery
 
insane
cruel
nightmarish
 
our fellow earthlings being treated in this manner
 
does it not bother you???
 
or have you just never bothered to watch?
 
 
i don't know if i can stand it
living amongst people
who are not bothered by these things
 
and i don't know
how people can have managed to have never watched
or never noticed these things
 
 
and what about the people
who so proudly bedeck their cars and homes and offices
with their american flags in all shapes and sizes
so proudly, so ostentatiously, so patriotically
 
in solidarity, in good intent, no doubt,
 
but still, as if they had never heard a bad word of this nation
as if it has done no wrong
as if it can do no wrong
as if the rest of the world is inferior
as if the rest of the world does not exist
 
as if the united states has not been involved
has not funded
has not trained
has not quietly supported
autocratic governments
which abduct, torture, and murder their own citizens
which repress freedoms and deny justice and equality
which resist reforms and quash dissent
 
as if they had never noticed a single thing...
 
as if we can allow our government to be involved in despiccable things
as if we can allow our corporations to be involved in underhanded dealings
as if we can act
without a regard to the rest of the world
and then be so mortified, so shocked, so disgusted
when something bad happens to us
as if we're so guiltless
as if evil only exists outside our borders
 
 
* november 30, 2001 *
 
desensitization
 
is a cruel mercy
 
 
* november 25, 2001 *
 
i don't fit.
i don't belong.
and it hurts!
(at the moment)
 
i'm so alone
is everyone so alone?
what is wrong with me?
what am i doing here?
what was my crime?
will i understand everything at the end?
will there ever be an end?
 
 
* november 12, 2001 *
 
my whole life
seems like
an ancient memory
 
these scars at least
which i traced out
so long ago
still remain visible
to remind me
that my life
was real
 
 
* october 20, 2001 *
 
if i become silent,
will you notice me?
 
 
* augustine nineteen, 2001 *
 
what's the point?
 
i want the point
to impale itself
into my brain
 
we aren't supposed to die of old age
the wolves are supposed to take us down
when our strength starts fading
and our body slows
 
 
whatever.
 
 
* june 30, 2001 *
 
that sudden shift
between familiarity and strangeness
 
when you stare at one word too long
or your own face in the mirror
 
 
* may 29, 2001 *
 
Darkoshi spoke to Darkoshi, saying,
"Darkoshi, I like you.
You're so cool.
So witty and enigmatic, so melancholic and intense.
The songs you sing are my own.
You remind me of myself.
You remind me who I am."
 
Darkoshi replied,
"Why, thank you, Darkoshi.
I feel the same way about you."
 
Darkoshis smiled.
 
And then Darkoshi said,
"You know, if we stick together,
I think we might make it..."
 
~
 
and the sky screamed
 
 
* march 1, 2001 *
 
perchance
the corners of my mouth and eyes
have an evil glint to them?
 
perchance
a deep and formless anger
turns into a formless joy
 
an anger
fighting against the tide of oppression
an anger laughing at its pitiful attempts to drown me
 
anger
loud music in my car
energy
distant voices
images
in the background
i don't give a damn
my music my anger will drown You
 
and the road gets a bit further away
and my mind cares a little bit less
what i might hit
in my speed
or that i might drive off the road
and into the shadowlands
 
~
 
there are things happening
i don't know what to do
what to do
to do
 
i don't understand
why people
why not
why
 
i don't know
 
 
* aug 30, 1998 *
 
i am but a memory
just a spark of light
one single teardrop
falling in the night
 
 
*
 
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