|
 Beryllium... (a chronicle of woefully wonderful unrequited infatuation) |
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Beryllium... (a chronicle of woefully wonderful unrequited infatuation) |
| * jan 14, 2004 |
oh my lord... he's typing my name in lowercase. and he's doing it on purpose, isn't he? heh... ahhhhhhhhhh............ i'm so easily amused .. damn, yes. i want to meet you and be kidnapped and tortured to death. or worse. yeah, that sounds lovely. but luckily, i still have some common sense doing its job of overriding my happy-go-lucky desires. yeah. damn, if i met you, i probably wouldn't like you. so let's not meet for a while. that way i can at least pretend. yeah. and don't answer any of my questions. you're more mysterious that way. that way you won't say anything to make me dislike you. yeah. and if you're so intent on meeting me, well, this ain't gonna go nowhere. so, damn. whatever. nice being emailed by you. have a good life. |
| * jan 15, 2004 |
i'm so... turned on? like electricity in my veins, a vibration in my blood. it keeps me awake. and after i fall asleep, it wakes me up again. i surely need to learn how to sleep in spite of this... i'm imagining things. little things. but they're enough to... constantly distract me. i am amused. i've never cared to fantasize things about real people. it seemed somehow blasphemous. but more importantly, a danger. of mixing fact and fiction to the point where one might not be able to separate them when dealing with the actual person. but now... it's so damn erotic. imagining a self-identified dom taking an interest in me. just a few words, and i create this whole fiction around them... and i don't want it shattered by reality. i'm really flattered that someone actually wants to meet me. even if... ze has sinister motives. damn. especially if ze has sinister motives. just not that kind of sinistry. even if ze just wants to check me out, view-wise. though that would be disappointing. but, anyway. the way this is affecting me, the way even such a tiny little thing is affecting me... methinks this is definitely the way to go. the type of thing to do. as long as these fluttery vibrations inside me, and this not getting enough sleep, don't drive me insane. |
| * jan 15, 2004 |
heeee.................... yes, use them nice fancy words. they make me smile. |
| * jan 22, 2004 |
it's a scary thing to consider, making yourself openly vulnerable to someone else of your own free will. like jumping off a cliff, all your natural instincts scream against it. no matter how much you yearn for that feeling of free-fall. how can you trust that someone will be there to catch you? but i am strong and apparently i have no choice, but to survive. so if i hit the bottom, i'd just have to pick myself up and climb back to the top. my skin would get tougher; the next jump might seem less risky. each time, the jump might seem less and less. then, how could i even be vulnerable anymore? or perhaps, the next jump would seem even more risky? i would be just as vulnerable, but with another layer of tough skin hiding that vulnerability? another layer of tough skin protecting me and imprisoning me... i would become harder and harder to reach? a tougher nut to crack; too tough to even tempt the squirrels? or, maybe. it would be so simple. to walk with me over the edge of the cliff, before i had even realized i was in for a fall. considering making oneself vulnerable may be scary, but in reality... perhaps it is simple perhaps it happens without one even realizing it, or being afraid. .. wanting something makes one vulnerable. without that "i don't care" attitude, it means... you care. and if you care, you can be hurt. being vulnerable is not a bad thing. it is necessary, for what i want. aye, there's the twist. being strong but still allowing oneself to be vulnerable. at least, in those situations in which... in which one trusts the enemy? in which one wants to trust the enemy? in which one wants to take the plunge? |
| * jan 23, 2004 |
omg, i'm feeling so fuckin' needy, it's ridiculous. oh, please, please, please... . ::whimper:: can i cry now? |
| * jan 23, 2004 |
hmpfh. good for a cry at least. vaguely sadomasochistic in its own way. okay. i'm good again. won't totally despair for another few weeks surely. or another few hours, perhaps. because it would be prematurely foolish, otherwise. and then... well. whaddaya expect. yer jist imaginin things anyways. .. nah, really. get real. 'e don't like ya. don' even know ya. 'e's talking ter someun else is what it is. jist were a mixup is what it was. nuttin 2 do with ya. or 'e's busy. an probly a cigrett-smokin bush-lovin republican with ten kids older'n me who don' like nuttin i like an likin' everthin i don't. that's what it is. yah, really. get real. |
| * jan 24, 2004 |
i think i just fell and hit the bottom. See? i hadn't even realized i had already walked off the edge of a cliff... well, perhaps i did, these last few days as i was standing on thin air... but i didn't realize it while i was stepping off the edge. so now i've got to climb back to the top while another enshrouding layer of tough skin envelops me. that's what happens when you start fantasizing things of real people. You Shoulda Known Better. yeah. but it was fun, wasn't it? and falling, well, who cares? smashing into the bottom is fun too, right? hmmm. <sarcastic>Sure.</sarcastic> .. i've got to ask, this time. curiosity, you know. but i must wait a few weeks to avoid premature foolishness. and damn if i'll still have the courage to ask, then. oh, get real. there are no Answers. and certainly not from 'im, who is most averse to providing any. |
| * jan 24, 2004 |
oh, fuck. whoo-hoo! that's not fair, playing with my emotions like that. just not fair. anyway, i am much better off now, much more logical about it, right? much more able to handle anything that happens in a most logical fashion, right? anyway, what would another smashing impact be to me anyhow? fun, fun, fun? |
| * jan 24, 2004 |
phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhffffffffffffizzzzzzzzzz.... that was just fucking bloody brilliant of me..... ye stupid fool!!! heheheheh.... damnit. methinks this person is a bit quick on the uptake. heh. |
| * jan 25, 2004 |
lj entry... |
| * jan 25, 2004 |
[...] |
| * jan 25, 2004 |
the spider lures the fly into its web. no. the fly flies foolishly into the spiders web. perhaps it won't matter anyway. my heart will kill me. pound me into oblivion. [...] |
| * jan 26, 2004 |
oh, and Darling, you are fucking fabulous! i think. maybe not, if you're reading this. but, oh well. your words charm me. i am enchanted, you see, and hope not to be disenchanted... oh, and if you are still reading this, oh wonderful one, you'd better give me an apology. Pronto! because i am magic, and i will *know*, you know... and you want to stay wonderful, dontcha? |
| * jan 28, 2004 |
[...] |
| * jan 29, 2004 |
Go Ahead, Crack My Nut... maybe i'm being manipulated... but ain't it cool?! to be manipulated?!! isn't that what it's all about??? can you imagine, someone adept enough to manipulate me, manipulating me?! ain't it coolamundo?! . ah. maybe i am infatuated. maybe i'm in for a big fall. a long drop. and a big ouch?? hee... |
| * jan 29, 2004 |
well. after meeting him in person he still... interests me. how about that. [...] |
| * jan 29, 2004 |
aaah. he's so cute. no way do i believe that, but still. and now he's really getting dommish on me. oh my god. i'm gonna die. and the moral of this little story is... if you don't want someone to notice something, don't point it out to them and then ask them kindly not to take notice of it. such brilliant stupidity on my part. . so. perhaps i am infatuated. i am doing things quite against logic. how did my mindset change so easily from not doing anything with a married person without said married person's spouse's consent, to this? eh? such a convenient little story. and why doesn't it bloody matter anymore if he lies? eh? does the aura of danger make him more enticing? or am i just desperate? or so... deucedly... charmed? is it that once i feel warm and fuzzy like that, and tingly and melting...ish, that i'm willing to overlook anything at all? it sure seems like it. oh. my. god. he's going to make it his little project to cure me of my shyness or nonsociableness or something. i'm going to DIE! such wonderful little feelings. oy. but i'm terrified now. |
| * jan 31, 2004 |
he's so good at what he does. such simple-seeming things. thank you for taking that french fry, for the touch of your hand on my back, for not asking. for knowing, assuming, taking. i want to fall into your ocean... . Thank You. |
| * feb 1, 2004 |
lj entry... |
| * feb 2, 2004 |
dang. is he psychic or something? or very observant? or just that good at this? [...] how is that for astute, finding your deepest fear and going after it... whoa-whee! i loooove you...... and whatcha gonna do... if i don't pass the mustard? |
| * feb 6, 2004 |
smitten! that's the word. i've been smitten! that's what happens when you think, "smite me!" too many times. *g* |
| * feb 15, 2004 |
how one little word like that can make me feel happy... |
| * feb 16, 2004 |
it's seeming more and more likely that darkoshi is going to wear a dress. get ready, world, for the amazing spectacle! |
| * feb 16, 2004 |
it's odd sometimes how after experiencing something very emotional, it's hard to remember how one lived life before it. the emotion fades, and things start feeling a bit empty... and one doesn't remember what one used to do, to fill that emptiness... everything one remembers doing in the past seems to no longer serve any purpose.... .. hmm. it could almost seem like an experiment. take newbie sub/bottom and do a little experiment to see how they react to various things... tick tick tock. and note down all the things they do which are unwise unsafe inadvisable. and come back and say, see? see how vulnerable you are? see how easy it is to fall into a trap? see how easy it is to lose yourself? aw, come on. i just want a little fun. i'm not expecting to fulfill my heart's deepest desires here... am i willing to sacrifice too much for just a little fun? it doesn't seem a sacrifice for one who has nothing... |
| * feb 17, 2004 |
fuck. what is wrong with me? why am i starting to call him Sir all the time? i must be bonkers. LOL my brain has gone over to the side of my opponent, traitorous thing... oh lord. it's all so absurd, i can't do anything but laugh. he's fucking TEASING me!!!! erghghgghg!!!@! |
| * feb 18, 2004 |
a turmoil is what i am in. a pleasant turmoil. |
| * feb 20, 2004 |
odd... not wanting to do something, per se, yet wanting to be convinced into doing it...? in other words, it wouldn't be something i would care at all for doing, if there weren't that control factor to it. yet with that factor, it does begin to seem something i might want to do. just for curiosity's sake, if nothing else. |
| * feb 21, 2004 |
lj entries... |
| * feb 27, 2004 |
gosh. i'm actually considering doing that. it's so hard to believe... or isn't it? how come i seem so changed from how i used to be a few years ago? i'm surprising (shocking?) myself with the things i'm finding myself seemingly willing to do... but i don't know if perhaps i'm only fooling myself as to my ability to actually do them... it seems too easy, too odd, to all of a sudden be thinking, "sure, i can do that; why not?" am i fooling myself? maybe i'm just feckin curious and don't care. maybe i'm too flexible. many limits? how odd. |
| * feb 22, 2004 |
'e's got a cute voice... so.......... who's gonna save me from myself? |
| * feb 28, 2004 |
i really wish, though, that i had a better memory of his face in my mind, so that i wouldn't keep initially visualizing this other person's face, a co-worker's, half of the time when thinking of him. apparently, their features must be a bit similar. i want to get that co-worker's face out of my head! oh dear, it would be sad if i totally forgot what his cute voice sounded like, and only remembered that co-worker's instead. i want to remember his voice... hopefully i'll still be getting to hear it. .. it feels like i've just come to the end of a very good book. where there's nothing left to read, and it feels so sad for it to be finished. but it isn't the end, right? just because the story isn't going to turn into reality, doesn't mean the story is over, right? yeah, yeah. i'll just crawl away into my lonely little self now. i'm certainly no worse off than i was before. it's all good. |
| * mar 1, 2004 |
oh woe. i'm not gonna have a wonderful sweet darling anymore? no wonderful domly dude? au weh, au weh, au weh.... beep bop beep doppity nip that infatuation in the bud. can't have that. can't? ::swoony whimper:: |
| * mar 5, 2004 |
starting to feel little aspects of friendship, the desire for actual companionship is brought more to the fore... and one knows that this, even at its best, could not ever be actual companionship. merely... a diversion, an occasional entertaining pastime. . maybe it is all, even this, a mind-game. something done on purpose. though that would be assuming more cleverness and deviousness on the other person's part, than could possibly be expected or warranted. quite unlikely. . ahr. i just want to close my eyes and lie back and float... sink into this.... vague feeling that's stirring in the depths of my being. but no; i have to work. but i don't want to have to half-ignore this feeling like this... i want it to permeate each and every part of my existence... i want it to be there... so i wouldn't have to worry about losing it during times like this when i have to ignore it in order to get work done. i don't want to have to ignore it... i just want to sink down and down and down into the depths of it. |
| * mar 5, 2004 |
i'm so uncertain about things right now. yet that seems positively mild compared to the other things i've been feeling recently. i'm going to be alone again, in my mind. i don't want to have to face that... and all its implications. what the hell do i think could possibly happen? it couldn't possibly. what the hell am i fooling myself for? there is no hope. there is not. don't be a fool. no, there is no fucking hope for life. i'm only fooling myself because there's no fucking hope for death either. do you remember your friends? remember them, sweetheart. no, i don't need imaginary friends. just like i don't need any stupid hugs. leave me the fuck alone. and don't fucking call me sweetheart, you fucking... ...you fucking wonderful self, you. |
| * mar 6, 2004 |
gosh. being monogamously married must really suck!!! ::compassionately evil laughter:: . there is no up without a down, no smile without a frown [...] . i don't think there was enough communication there either. it might have been enough... but i still know hardly anything about him, really. and when someone is married with a family, how could i feel anything but second-rate? their primary attention belongs to their family, of course, and all i could reasonably and rightfully hope for would be minor left-over crumbs... little bits of time, little bits of attention... considering that, the attention i got seemed rather impressive, actually. but it would not suffice in the long term. . oh, please.......... smite me! |
| * mar 6, 2004 |
dammit. but i still don't know why, now do i? there are no answers. there is no logic. there is no rationality to the universe. we are but specks of dust being blown about by the cosmic wind for no rational reason at all. |
| * mar 6, 2004 |
oh god, how am i going to make it through a whole week of work (and weeks and weeks... and forever...) without there being at least the possibility of a nice email to look forward to each day? what's there to look forward to? it's all right. you managed all right before, before any of this ever happened. you'll manage again. but i don't want to!!! ::sob:: (what is this weird stuff i'm eating, anyway?) it's all right. this will fade, like everything always does. but i don't want it to fade!!! you will find someone even better! oh, sure i will. you expect me to believe that? okay, you will live a long and lonely life and then die all alone. happy now? FUCK YOU!!! you're being silly. silly? yes, silly. go ahead and grieve if you want. but don't be silly. you're going to be fine again. but i don't want to be fine... ::sniff, sob:: i want my wonderful darling! now you really are being silly. am not!!! sigh. it's all right, my little baby. ::pat, pat:: ::hug, hug:: there, there. mrrmmfffffph. ain't no baby! so stop acting like one. ergh! i hate you! that's all right. i love you. everything's going to be all right. well. there's still episode 3 to look forward to... that's something, i guess. (...a stupid bloody movie, as if!!!) sigh. Thank you, Sir. |
| * mar 6, 2004 |
lj entry... lj entry... |
| * mar 12, 2004 |
it just sort of... makes one want to run out onto some sunny, grassy meadow, and shout out "I LOVE YOU!!!" except that this would be a rather embarrassing thing to do, especially since one thinks one ISN'T really in LOVE.... but maybe, "I Love You for making me Feel Happy!!!" ? do i still feel happy though? or is the memory pleasant enough to still keep one in a good mood anyway? |
| * mar 12, 2004 |
a little charm goes a long way. . why do i pine over a wonderful darling, when what i want is a sadistic bastard? or maybe... a wonderful sadistic darling... . what? pining? who, me??? nay, for it is all fading into the dusty sunset. oh, shut up, you. . i made it through another week, i did. please don't let the next one come too soon. |
| * mar 14, 2004 |
ok, i am pining. please, please, email me! |
| * mar 20, 2004 |
i just can't deal with this. it's too much like being ignored by my brother or my dad. |
| * mar 20, 2004 |
You stupid fool, You stupid fool, You stupid fool, fool, fool. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so, so, so. Don't do it though, what you're thinking. You're not rational, just being dramatic. No! I do not have to put up with this. If you can't care about me enough to tell me anything, why should I care about you? It's a waste of caring. It's a joke. I'm a FOOL. I do not have to put myself through this. He does not care. And if he does, well, fuck him. It's not doing me any bloody good. I'm just being a fool. Yeah, so? What's so bad about crying? What's so bad about hurting? Now, remember - smile and be friendly. Oh, fuck you. fucking stupid smiles and fucking stupid peoples. They don't do me any bloody good. |
| * mar 22, 2004 |
argh. it's like an addiction. how do you un-addict yourself from a person? by cutting it off! by stopping it! <whine> but i don't want to! </whine> by not emailing them anymore! <whine> but i want to! </whine> |
| * mar 23, 2004 |
bloody hell. hearing love and heartache songs on the radio, and they're starting to make sense, in an "hmmm, I've been feeling that way" kind of way. . a person's silence, even though saying nothing, after a certain length of time seems to imply more than any of their previous words. . oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling bumblebee... thou art gone and i'm so lonely... still, i hope... still, i hope... still, it pains me... still, i adore the memory of you, of feeling... good . |
| * mar 23, 2004 |
Remember... if this isn't the right person, then they can't *be* the right person, and there's no sense in getting upset that they *aren't* the right person. it was nice, though. maybe it still is nice? hmmm. i have no idea. i wish said person would explain things. oh well. maybe he's really a jerk and doesn't want to explain, because that would give away the fact that he's really a jerk? . hey! who's calling my wonderful ex-darling a jerk?!!! |
| * mar 24, 2004 |
maybe his computer's broken. maybe he wants to drive me crazy. maybe he doesn't want to drive me crazy. maybe he likes me. maybe he wants me to get lost. maybe i amuse him. maybe i bore him. f*ck! how can i get on with life, when i just can't figure this situation out??? what the hey *is* the situation?? |
| * mar 24, 2004 |
::giggle:: he's so charming, he could charm the pants off a darkoshi! evil little darling charming bastard. and bloody audacious, too. ::heheh:: |
| * mar 25, 2004 |
ah, the ex has reverted to being a non-ex-darling. how sweet. how wonderful. how absolutely confusing. isn't it fun? oh, yes. so wonderfully wonderful! it's just so hard to believe... that someone is interested in me (after all this time?) ...and that that someone is someone whom i'm interested in too... is it really? it would be rather odd if he *weren't* interested in me, considering. so, i guess so? |
| * apr 9, 2004 |
(take over.... take over.... let me let go...) we don't want the responsibility the difficulty, the complexity the decisions the toughing it out the putting on a strong face putting on a mentally stable facade strong, independant, competent want to let go and fall float uncomplicated unconstrained navigate me through the asteroid belt so i can just shut my eyes and drift easily comfortably ok. so get back to work now, my dear. ay, aye, captain. |
| * apr 21, 2004 |
some ideas, suggestions, mental images are like slow-motion... time-released... time-delayed... spells you don't think much of them when you first encounter them, but they just sort of eat away at you... developing over time... and then, poof!, you notice them affecting you in new and curious ways. you find yourself feeling things you didn't feel before... |
| * may 1, 2004 |
okay, i know you can't be all that for me, but could you at least go and find me someone... someone who'll email me when i want email, someone who'll kill me when i want to die. someone who'll touch me when i want to feel, someone who'll be there for me, when i don't want to be? |
| * may 3, 2004 |
you don't even need to exist; my imagination does quite well enough on its own. although i'm sure the real you would be better than that which my imagination can imagine. or... well, actually, i'm not. but... maybe there will eventually be no further point in you existing, since my imagination will already have "been there, done that" ? hey... maybe he isn't really married. maybe saying so just lets him avoid anyone who might want commitment. seems unlikely. but then, everything does, doesn't it? maybe his being married relieves me of various worries i might otherwise have... romance, long-term commitment, etc. but my imagination is becoming a bit... unruly, isn't it? |
| * may 5, 2004 |
oe mai gawsh. ! or maybe it was a jest? or maybe not, and maybe the other time _wasn't_ a jest either?? hwoe mee gaww... yippee. ippee. ippy. uh-oh? hoh, uh-oh! uh-oh-oh-oh... hee. |
| * may 6, 2004 |
i hope i'm not being played for a fool. i hope i'm not being a fool. . the fool speaks to taself, "gee, i hope i'm not being a fool..." |
| * may 13, 2004 |
::::::::::-))))))))))))) wounderful heh. the only thing i like about *that* is that i really, really, really don't like it... i hope he enjoyed it... now i just have to figure out how to bring real-life and fantasy closer together in my mind so that i can react & feel more in the actual moment that something is happening. hmm. |
| * may 14, 2004 |
[...] |
| * may 14, 2004 |
::mweep:: mmrm... ? ::mwee...heeep...!:: :-( arr, don't take it so seriously, kiddo! no biggee! he enjoyed it, sure he did! :: ? :: just because he could've enjoyed it more, doesn't mean he didn't enjoy it! just like cuz you coulda enjoyed it more (for the same reason, no less!), doesn't mean you didn't! mmrmm, dunno. ::sulk:: mebbe can't ever enjoy it more'n that. mebbe hopeless... ::sulk:: *THWAP* Stop sulking! Cheer up, kiddo!!! mrrmm, dunno. ::mope:: |
| * may 18, 2004 |
he ain't going to answer the question *sigh*. i jiz havta azyume 'e likedit. cuz i'm wunderfool and ain't no reazin ferrim not2 haff injoidit. iffy didint, eez... wutteffer. naht my cunsurn. cuz i'm de wonder fool one. |
| * may 29, 2004 |
the shore between reality and fantasy don't look to closely at reality, or the fantasy will break don't tread too deep into fantasy or... or you'll be in over your head in fantasy. . bloody fucking people who don't answer questions what are you getting out of this? |
| * jun 7, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
maybe i was being too emotional. ? maybe i shouldn't take it so seriously and just go with the flow. be happy of what i get and not be disappointed about what i don't. i think i tried that though. it must not have worked. how could i get myself to not take it so seriously? you mean i shouldn't care that he doesn't care??? how can i care if i don't care ?? if i don't care then there's no sense in it. how can i care while not caring? is it possible? your job isn't to care, it's to obey... hmm... no, that doesn't work. see, i cut my hair. if i don't care, there's no reason to obey. perhaps i wasn't being too emotional. perhaps i was right. or do you think he really does care and it's just a matter of me being able to believe that in spite of not getting much feedback on it. he shouldn't have to tell you anything... and what difference does it make if he cares or not, if you could let yourself believe it anyway? am i afraid of believing something that's not true, even if it were to make me happy doing so? no. i don't want to believe something that isn't true. but maybe it is true. hmm. i wonder if he would bother saying so. maybe he doesn't want to admit it, even if it is true. maybe he thinks it is obvious and doesn't need admission. maybe i'm angry. if he can't even tell me... if he can't even answer a simple question to let me know... hmm. perhaps i was right. |
| * jun 23, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
it's like you're starving... and someone comes by each week, to give you one jellybean. such a colorful sweet and tasty jellybean... but eating it makes you thirsty too... so then... nothing, nothing, nothing else all week... and you're still starving... and now you're thirsting too... why is this person giving you jellybeans? |
| * jul 2, 2004 |
where did i read that... it being an aspect of human nature, trying to bend others to ourselves... trying to manipulate, to own... and when one way doesn't work, trying another and another... it's sort of like that, when i get these thoughts, of ending this... things i want to say, to do... they're not necessarily what they seem to be, but attempts at getting this other person to react... subconscious attempts at manipulating them. i want to say goodbye because i recognize that this just isn't working. and it's not going to work. but really, i want them to react by saying "no, don't go..." i want them to change for me. oh, it was from the book i'm reading. i remember now. they aren't going to change. any more than i can change. we're too much alike perhaps, lacking expression. what you need is someone like you, someone who is already in a relationship and who just needs a little something extra, on the side. what i need is more than that. Trans... Europe... Express!!! perhaps someday, someone will come and hug me and pull me in. perhaps someone will come who will recognize me as a lost soul afraid and alone not knowing how to do this thing called life. someone who will hold me and show me and teach me what i never learned. perhaps someday. . if you want joy, why do you make me so sad? not many people would put up with this. you are lucky to have me, whatever this is, for now at least. or at least as lucky as i am to have you. . |
| * jul 3, 2004 |
bitter... bitter... bitter and spiteful... hurt, angry, sad... no, this is not working. this is bad. this must end. . i could still email him, but without writing a single word. then i shouldn't become bitter when he doesn't reply. perhaps? no, i don't have such self-restraint. and it would merely remind me of my bitterness. . dammit. but look on the other side now... NO. i don't want to. i don't want my mind doing this wishy-washy one way then another way thing. i want this OVER. DAMMIT. . yeah, laugh, why don't you. be amused at my affected-by-you-ness. i don't want no fucking crumbs. and you obviously can't control me anyway. in fact, i'll prove it. that's what i'll do. good FUCKING bye!!! you wonderful bastard SIR, you. . ergh. i'm so wishy-washy. fuck. FUCKFUCKFUCK! |
| * jul 3, 2004 |
perhaps one never gets over an infatuation. perhaps one just has to stomp on it and walk away. and whenever it rears its cute little head again, you just have to stomp it back down. and ignore the pitiful screams. |
| * jul 3, 2004 |
yes, it will be hard. my screaming little heart will hurt. but it is necessary. it is. |
| * jul 4, 2004 |
sign in front of church: Remember Whose You Are ::sigh:: freedom.... ::sigh:: oh......... ::no, don't stomp on me!!! pleeeeeeeeease!!!:: ::ouuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!:: au weh. please don't hate me. it's like i fucking love you or something. but i don't, really. it hurts. i guess it depends on the definition of love. if it's that strange and wacky emotion that makes you feel elated and turbulent and hurt... maybe. i love you for having made me feel good. and this little necessary hurt now, i can handle it. sure i can. |
| * jul 10, 2004 |
lj entry... |
| * jul 10, 2004 |
and sad and lonely and listless... it's been 2 months since that, already. 2 whole months. and 3 months since the last real phone chat. and 6 months since it started. and a week since it ended. (is it ended?) . now what? just lay around listen to the thunder rumbling in the distance (it dead-ended...) nothing |
| * jul 14, 2004 |
oh, yeah. I'm ok now again. I think. Or at least as okay as I used to be. it sure does help that he didn't just disappear. |
| * aug 13, 2004 |
... and he is so good at pushing my buttons when he wants to... ooh yeah, push my buttons! mmmm.... but no, no... that just couldn't work. don't go there. don't jump back into that lovely hole. keep your... ummm... wits... maybe subbies have standard interfaces. maybe he just knows how to push subbies' buttons. doesn't mean he knows anything about me. doesn't mean he cares, either. yeah. and he's a black box, is what he is. but i don't need a black box because i'm not a crashing airplane. and i certainly don't need no married black box. so keep your wits... what wits?... my wits! i don't need no damn wits! yes i do! err... wha...? |
| * aug 18, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
ah, good lord, i'm daydreaming again!!! what if... :-) what if... :-) maybe it would be better if what-if-not, hmmm. "ooh, take me!" ermm. no, don't take me. i'm mine. not yours. might get into difficulties if i go there again... but, what if.... ?? :-) |
| * aug 20, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
maybe i mystify him when i call him wonderful and lovely. maybe he can't figure out why i see him that way when he's really such a _fiend_. and i'm still mystified too, sigh. about everything about him. over over game out |
| * aug 23, 2004 |
i still don't feel in the mood to take any vacation even though the summer's nearly over. i've never been this way before. guess work hasn't been very bothersome lately. either that, or the prospect of an empty vacation seems even worse. . why does he have to be such a friggin mystery? grr. sigh |
| * aug 24, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
the logical part of me makes decisions based on what will make me happier in the long run. the (illogical?) emotional part of me makes decisions based on what will make me happy in the short term. it's when the logical and emotional decisions don't coincide, that there's a problem. first, my emotions decided i couldn't stand it, when i was feeling bad. but my logic said to just be patient and things would get better. then my logic determined things wouldn't get any better and so decided to end it. but when he does something to make me feel good again (temporarily) my emotions want it to continue, even though logic says temporary is not good for the long run. |
| * sep 5, 2004 |
well oh well i guess it isn't going to stop hurting until it stops hurting and by then, i guess something else will hurt . and it's like i've stopped believing in my fantasies. i can't reach them anymore; as if they've expired. i can't believe, anymore. |
| * sep 7, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
ah *gurgle* hee hee hee.... mmmfff... *~?~!~hee, hee, hee~~~ .. ah? hnnh? *_* ::hmmm... um, are you sure about this?:: hee hee hee, trust, yes, sure, of course why not? ::umm. well, okay then:: |
| * sep 11, 2004 |
hmmm... |
| * sep 16, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
beg... whew. thinking on that sends... like an electric spasm, jolt... through me. through my midriff... and downward. |
| * sep 30, 2004 |
[...] |
| * oct 7, 2004 |
i'm sad. but i guess i shouldn't tell you that. never lent me that book. [...] . and i'm sad. and there's nothing to take comfort in. because, what good is fake comfort? |
| * oct 13, 2004 |
emotions don't lie. emotions sense the truth about things. perhaps emotions are more reliable than the rational mind, which has to conjure up acceptable realities for itself, masking unpleasant truths with acceptable fictions, in order to function. |
| * nov 10, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
i wonder if he wishes i would have called him just to talk every now and then, or if he's glad i didn't. i wonder if he wonders the same about me. i wish he would have called. i wonder how many occasional, part-time subs he has, or if it's really been just me. |
| * nov 12, 2004 (errant thoughts from work) |
so bloody charming. so smooth.... does he have to think about it, ie. did he have to think of a good way of answering that question, or does it just come natural? (or is it more my perception of the answer, than the answer itself, which i'm so tickled by...?) yet not even really answering the question... like a politician! except not, because if politicians were like him, i might like them, but i don't. |
| * nov 19, 2004 |
you know what? reading back over those old emails, i don't think he even likes me. he probably just hasn't broken off contact completely, because he likes the idea of having a naked person at his mercy. even if he doesn't particularly like that naked person. all those fucking emails. goddamn. giving someone a piece of myself like that, letting them see inside me, and them not even appreciating it. not even liking what they get to see. but not breaking the contact either. no wonder i got so bitter. . yes, but now? now, why? no. now i'm despaired, not bitter. and not about him, the wonderful dahlingk that he is. smooth-talking snake-charmer. so glad to have a smooth-talking snake-charmer to spice things up. |
| * dec 5, 2004 |
maybe i make him uncomfortable. maybe i remind him of his deceptions. he makes me uncomfortable i'm afraid to talk to him because i never know if i'm going to feel good or bad from it. i feel bad this time. sort of. uncomfortable. |
| * jan 8, 2005 |
[...] |
| * jan 8, 2005 |
[...] |
| * jan 9, 2005 |
ok, so wododu's still a mystifying sweetheart after all. although he didn't exactly deny being a sadist either. |
| * feb 2, 2005 |
he inspires awe in me. surprises me, says things i don't see coming. makes my heart skip a beat... while my body reacts with shivery delight... maybe like the author of that book, i only desire to submit to someone, when they make me feel an awe like that. makes me almost want to worship him... (except he's too human, too fallible, too... (bush-lovin!) for that) to lie down by his feet... something different from my fantasies although not quite... but definitely different. |
| * feb 10, 2005 |
[...] |
| * feb 13, 2005 |
[...] |
| * feb 27, 2005 |
why is it that whenever i don't hear from wododu for a few days, i start wondering if i've done something to make him not like me anymore, or to make him not want to interact with me anymore? or if something's happened to him, or if i'll never hear from him ever again, and maybe never even find out why. you'd think, i'd eventually have enough confidence to no longer be thinking these things. |
| * mar 12, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 18, 2005 |
oh wow ! *heh*? *tee*hee*hee... (at least he didn't lie! *hee*!) |
| * mar 19, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 20, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 20, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 24, 2005 |
there isn't much point in trying to make sense of this. it's never made sense, so why would it now? and he's never really explained things in such a way that i could understand them, so why would he now? he's no more confounding than the universe in general. [...] i suppose normal people wouldn't ever consider there to be anything between themselves and someone else, when their relationship consisted of almost no face-to-face or even voice-to-voice discussions. [...] . gosh, you know though, i have the faintest inkling that perhaps he isn't normal either. and when it comes down to it, no-one is normal, so... oh well. . i'm afraid that i may actually be attracted to those qualities of his which frustrate me so much. . dang, if he really did all that with me, just out of desire to be nice, without getting hardly anything out of it himself, he must really be such a NICE person... but he would've been a fool to waste so much time... and he's not a fool... and as much as i like him, i somehow don't get the feeling that he is so nice, so... argh. as i said already, there's no point in trying to make sense of it. |
| * mar 24, 2005 |
(well, damn.) that's not what's supposed to happen. they're supposed to be happy ever after. in fact, everyone's supposed to be happy ever after. ::sigh:: people. |
| * mar 25, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 26, 2005 |
lj entry... (deleted) |
| * mar 26, 2005 |
oh, god! i'm sorry i don't want you to dislike me i don't want you to think of me as a pest or a nuisance i don't want to have ruined anything for you whether it was really my fault or not i do want to get over you but i don't want to get over you i want to have a darling, a big mighty beansprout... i wish.... i wish it wasn't a fantasy oh, god. i've been thru this before, haven't i. i must have managed. but that time he was nice, and didn't disappear. now... squash that infatuation, make it go away... he's helping me stomp on it this time, lovely helpful darling that he is. |
| * mar 26, 2005 |
oh, goody! i didn't ruin nothing! phew. ok, now i can be happy. |
| * mar 27, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 28, 2005 |
These pages really do help put a perspective on how I've been feeling regarding Wododu: Unrequited Love: Agony & Rapture What is Limerence? Limerence In spite of me not having felt so much any romantic infatuation with him (in terms of wanting his love and tenderness), but rather a type of D/s infatuation (in terms of me wanting him to really like me as his sub, and to pay attention to me and act domly towards me, and to get out of our interactions as much as I did), a lot of the things mentioned on those pages really do hit the mark. I never could figure out if he really liked me, or not, or in what ways... A lot of my feelings for him had settled down since somewhen last year. Not disappeared, but settled into the background. I had accepted that he didn't feel towards me the way I did towards him. I had accepted just being friends and/or play-partners with him. But this last week or so stirred up my emotions again. Not only did he make it sound like he didn't like me in that way, but he made it sound like he was callously disinterested in me, and then that he was actually truly displeased with me... and then that he actually disliked me... And still being sort of infatuated with him, I can even interpret the above things as him being nice, in terms of him knowing I've been infatuated with him, and wanting to try to help me get over him. And this morning, I feel all right again. |
| * mar 28, 2005 |
[...] I guess I just want someone to tell me I'm not stupid - that even though i've been infatuated from the start, that I was not foolishly misinterpreting anything... That Wododu is a confusing, though wonderful, son of a bitch. Because when I read over all those emails now, I interpret them the same way I did back then. With confusion. He definitely wasn't telling me he wasn't interested in me, at least not when he was telling me anything. But I already know I'm not stupid. . It was nice, though. Yep. Yes, Sir, it sure was. Sort of. |
| * mar 29, 2005 |
[...] |
| * mar 30, 2005 (errant thoughts from work) |
It's ok. He enjoyed this last year, in some ways at least. He just wants to move on now. And I do too. So there's nothing to be so regretful and sad about. Knowing him was an experience I'm glad to have had. I never expected this experiment with him to last more than a year, to begin with. And it ended nearly 9 months ago already, anyway, for all real (to me) purposes. And apparently it never even started, for all real (to him) purposes. It is time, to move on. Perhaps this was even necessary, to enable us both to move on. Perhaps not; I do not know. But it is ok. |
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