Darkoshi's Enchantment


~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~
social difficulties


*
apr 22, 2005 [from LJ]

conversational skills
 
I think I can handle one-on-one conversation fairly adequately. I may not be as talkative as other people, but I can usually manage somewhat ok... at least once a conversation has started.... Although having the desire and/or courage to initiate a conversation with someone in the first place is another matter.
 
But multi-person conversations are very difficult for me to participate in. There seem to be several factors that contribute to this:
 
The topics being spoken about are often ones with which I have no relevant personal experience... so this makes it difficult for me to think of anything to say.
 
I seem to be lacking certain necessary skills for taking part in multi-person conversations... When I have something to say, my instinct is to wait for the other people to finish speaking... because it is rude to interrupt... but in these types of conversation, there are usually very few gaps of silence... People DO interrupt each other.... and when one person has stopped speaking, someone else is usually already speaking. By the time a gap of silence does occur, the topic has usually changed anyway. There must be signals that people use to indicate they are ready to take a turn at saying something... perhaps certain facial expressions, or movements, or interjections followed by short pauses (like "yeah, but...")... But I seem not to have learned to use such signals myself... or perhaps my signals are too subtle, and not recognized by others... and therefore it always feels like I can't get a word in...
 
My voice is soft, and people often have a hard time understanding me, especially in noisy situations. This is another reason why I'm reluctant to speak until there is a gap of silence - because from experience, I know that what I say will most likely not be understood anyway, and even in the best case, when the other people pause to hear what I am trying to say, I will probably have to repeat myself.
 
I am used to letting other people talk, and just listening. I don't feel any intrinsic need to take part in a conversation, when it is going on fine without me. I don't feel much desire to speak, unless I think of something which seems truly relevant and useful. But most conversation isn't necessary useful or relevant... And I am not used to just talking for the sake of talking.
 
.
 
It seems like I should be able to learn to deal with some of these things... learn to speak louder to begin with, learn those signals, get used to speaking even when I don't have anything useful to say (hmmm... dunno about that one...) I really should, though.
 
*
aug 19, 2004

I "am trying to get over some of my shyness and non-sociableness"...
 
good lord. Who am i kidding.
I can pretend that's true
until i find myself in the midst of a bunch of people.
Then it's so very obvious
what a ridiculous delusion it is.
 
Sure, before I wouldn't have even gone out
to be in the midst of a bunch of people,
which I suppose is a step forward, but...
 
it feels bloody hideous.
and of course that's why I learned to avoid
being in the midst of people to begin with.
 
and yet, it's not really that hideous,
as long as I block things out,
as long as I don't think
about how quiet and different and unnormal I am
compared to everyone else.
 
if I am at peace with being my normal quiet self,
if I block out
any awareness or caring of how out-of-place I seem,
if I block out
the feelings of wanting to leave, to disappear,
to turn into an unmoving unfeeling unalive statue...
then things are okay, sort of...
 
*
jul 7, 2004 [from LJ]

Looking at people when they talk to you is supposed to be a sign that you're paying attention and that you're interested in what they're saying. So occasionally, when I notice myself tending to not look at a person when they're speaking to me, and when I don't want to mistakenly give the impression that I'm not paying attention, I force myself to look at their face while they speak.
 
But I realized today that when I do that, it actually distracts me and makes me less likely to "get" what they're actually saying. I can pay better attention to their words when I'm not forcing myself to look at them.
 
Usually, I occasionally glance at a person while they speak, but let my gaze wander elsewhere most of the time. I can usually only look at someone for a second or two before my gaze drifts (especially if they're looking right at me). It seems odd to continue staring at them. When I force myself to continue looking at someone, it becomes a slight stress which distracts me from listening to them... After staring at someone's left eye for a few seconds, I begin to feel that it must be odd for me to be staring just at their left eye, so I look at their right eye. Then after that, maybe at their nose or their mouth. Then back to an eye, or perhaps right between their eyes, or perhaps letting my gaze go out of focus so I can seem to be looking at both their eyes at the same time.... It's like I don't even know HOW to look at a person in a normal manner; I don't know what to look at. How does one normally go about looking at a person while they speak???
 
Then again, I don't have this problem with everyone. Maybe I'm comfortable enough with some people, that I manage to look at them in a normal manner without even thinking about it. On the other hand, maybe I'm comfortable enough with them that I don't feel any compulsion to continuously look at them while they speak to me.
 
*
march 2004

it's so hard to be sociable sometimes.
most of the time, maybe.
not just hard, but seemingly impossible for me.
 
i can't smile today.
i've tried to smile at people,
and only managed to make the minutest of facial motions.
not anything that turned into a real smile.
nor even a fake smile.
i can't do it.
 
i couldn't smile yesterday, either.
 
right now, it feels much easier to start crying
than to smile.
and i'm not even sad about anything, except this right now.
 
and conversing...
i couldn't manage that hardly at all yesterday either.
 
why even go places,
when i'm so unsociable
that everyone must be most unimpressed by me ?
 
*
feb 17, 2004

hmmm...
it sure is easier to say "Hi!" to people
in a relatively loud and cheerful voice,
when one is in a relatively good mood.
interesting.
 
*
nov 24, 2003

my brain really must be slower than the average person's
in terms of face-recognition and name-recall.
 
walking around a corner,
seeing someone at the same time as they see me,
they're able to say "Hi, (my name)!"
while I can only say "Hi!".
it takes another second or two
until their name pops into my mind.
by that time, it's too late - they've passed me by.
so my only options are greeting them without saying their name,
or not greeting them at all.
 
therefore maybe my habit of not greeting people by name
isn't so much a by-product of shyness or non-sociableness,
but rather a natural result / effect
of how my brain works.
 
maybe other aspects of my non-sociableness
can also be attributed to ways in which my brain
works differently from the average person's.
 
i always score well on iq tests and things like that...
i never really considered that in some ways,
my brain could be sub-standard.
 
*
nov 21, 2003 [from LJ]

well. 2 days and i didn't succeed in greeting anyone by name. it's not easy. there were a couple of encounters where i had the opportunity, but wasn't quick enough.
 
i'm very much a reactor in social situations, not an initiator. when walking by someone, there are several possibilities of what can happen - we can pass by without really looking at each other, or with no acknowedgement on either side, or with a simple facial acknowledgement - ie. a smile or nod, or with an actual verbal greeting.
 
I'm very disinclined to initiate a verbal greeting myself, for fear/uncertainty whether it will be reciprocated. So I wait to figure out what the other person will do. Then, if the other person does speak, there isn't much time for me to reply before they've walked out of range. So I usually can only get one syllable out - a "hi" or "hey". And usually not even a very loud or clear syllable, at that. I'll be buggered how other people can say 4 or more syllables so quickly and easily while I have trouble with one.
 
When I do try to initiate a verbal greeting, sometimes it fails. I don't do it right. Making me less inclined to try again. Today in the bathroom while washing my hands, I looked up at the mirror and saw someone I knew on the other side of the room. ::click::it would be polite to say hello:: So I say "hi". But in a quiet, low tone. (I didn't feel confident enough to add her name to the greeting.) And I was still looking forward into the mirror, not really directly at her. And I didn't speak in a positive, clear, addressing-someone-else voice that one ought to use. She didn't reply, although she probably did hear me. (She probably heard some utterance from me without being able to interpret it as a greeting.) ::eep. that was no good. i feel stupid:: So I finished washing my hands and left, pretending nothing awkward had happened.
 
Later today, in the bathroom again, someone else walked in, looked at me, and said "Hello. I haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing?" ::eh?:: I didn't recognize her at all. But one can't admit that... So I answered, "Ok" and tried to smile like I knew who she was... Maybe she mistook me for someone else? Probably not, she probably remembered me from somewhen even though I don't remember her.
 
But even if I had recognized her, my response would have been the same "Ok". And that's not good enough, is it? I should instead say, "I'm okay. How are you?" or something. Something to make the other person feel like I'm actually interested in them and not just saying the bare minimum. But that's too much for me.
 
Sometimes it seems like my brain really is mal-developed in terms of sociableness and verbalness. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself.
 
*
nov 19, 2003 [from LJ]

Decided today it would be good to try to get into the habit of greeting people by name, instead of always only saying "Hi" or "Hey". After all, being a person who sometimes greets people by the wrong name can't be all that much worse than being a person who never greets anyone by name. Can it?
 
But I'm probably going to end up saying "Hi... [pause] Wanda" and "Hi... [pause] John" since it often takes me a moment to remember a name. Which won't work well for greeting people as we walk past each other.
 
I suppose I would have to look ahead of me further than I usually do as I walk, and think of people's names before I'm close enough to greet them. Which means I can't be absent-minded as I walk. Hmmm. Complicated. Is it worth it? I mean, what's the big deal of greeting people by name? Except that everyone always greets me by name.
 
*
nov 19, 2003

note to myself:
if there's more than one person nearby
and if you want anyone to pay attention to what you say,
you must say their name(s) FIRST
(and wait for some sign of acknowledgement)
so that they know you are speaking to them.
otherwise they won't be paying attention,
or may not even hear you,
or may assume you're talking to someone else.
 
*
nov 3, 2003 [from LJ]

Today in the locker room at the gym as I was finishing dressing someone said to me, "Do you always talk so little?"
 
A slight pause on my part, then I answered, "Yeah." My mind was thinking... I should say something else, but what?
 
Then she said, "Because I've seen you and you never talk..."
 
Another slight pause as I pondered a reply, and then said, a bit apologetically, "Yeah." I couldn't think of anything else to say. What could I say? It was quite awkward. My not-fitting-in-ness was suddenly apparent to me again. I considered saying "My name's ... What's yours?". But that seemed awkward too, in my mind. And if I said that, then I'd have to remember her face and name in the future... Then it occurred to me, what if we had already introduced ourselves to each other, somewhen before? And maybe she remembers even though I don't... It would be so embarrassing and bad for me to introduce myself again if that were the case.
 
As I was leaving, I stammered out a quiet "Bye." But she didn't respond. She probably didn't hear me.
 
...
 
Even when I become relatively comfortable with things, like going to the gym or whatnot, I'm still different than everyone else. I still don't do things the way other people do... I don't talk, I don't socialize. It's apparent to everyone else that I'm not normal...
 
And why can't I do it? Why can't I speak? Why don't I know what to say? Why don't I feel like saying anything? Why am I this way? Why am I so different from other people?
 
Truthfully, I felt no real desire to chat with that person in the locker room. I felt no desire to get to know her or for her to get to know me... But even if I did, I wouldn't be able to do it. And someday, there might be someone who I would want to get to know... Or maybe not. Maybe I never get to know anyone enough in the first place to want to get to know them better.
 
With other chemicals or hormones in my body, I might have felt like crying. As it was, I felt a bleak and silent unhappiness. Gloom.
 
...
 
Really, why am I this way? Is it something in my genes; do I lack a certain hormone which makes it easy for people to socialize? Or is it psychological? Did my brain not develop like other people's? Why?
 
I never learned how to speak and interact well with people... how to be a socially well-adjusted person. Why not? What is wrong with me?
 
There must be someone out there who's had experience with people like me... someone who would know how to communicate with me... someone who wouldn't think I was weird for not speaking or for being how I am... It would be nice if there were someone like that. Because I can't do it...
 
...
 
Oh, that is interesting... I got tears for a moment there... I nearly made myself cry by writing that...
 
*
sep 14, 2003 [from LJ]

my favorite brand of soymilk, vitasoy, is currently on sale for 99 cents. it has a new packaging; hopefully the taste hasn't changed too. but anyway, as i was pushing my soymilk-laden cart through the aisles of the store today, a guy (a store employee, i assume) came up to me and commented that since i was buying so many soymilks, i could use these coupons... he had a bunch of coupon booklets, and started leafing through them and tearing out the vitasoy ones for me... so i ended up getting them for less than 50 cents each.
 
but the thing is, soon after this encounter i realized that i only vaguely remembered what this guy looked like - i hadn't been paying enough attention. and although i did thank him, i'm not sure if i even smiled. (i've been trying to smile more at people lately.)
 
here this guy was being very nice to me, yet if i came across him in another part of the store, i might not even recognize him with any surety. (damn.)
 
the problem is that when these kinds of things happen to me - unexpected social interaction - i'm so startled by it, so caught up in dealing with the situation, that i don't pay attention to non-essential details (non-essential at that moment at least) like what the other person looks like.
 
even when i'm not interacting with people, when i'm just walking by them, i have a tendency to either not look at them or just give them the slightest of glances. there's no reason to stare or to smile at everyone you pass in the store or elsewhere, right? doing so would even seem odd, wouldn't it?
 
i also often feel somewhat uncomfortable or self-conscious in public. not looking at people is one way that i deal with that. by not looking at people, i don't have to pay attention to how they may be perceiving me. i also don't have to figure out whether to respond to them or not, how to respond, whether to smile, etc.
 
but this isn't good. i've got to work on paying more attention to people.
 
*
may 2, 2003

sometimes i catch myself
doing a slow-blink,
a darkoshi-style greeting,
as i pass by someone,
when i can't seem to muster the will or effort
of speech or of a smile.
 
and it's as if i expect the other person
to recognize this as a form of greeting...
such as:
i see you. i recognize you.
i trust you enough to close my eyes in your presence.
now i will continue on with my previous activities...
logically, though, i don't think this is a standard human greeting.
i may have learned it from cats.
would other people who have been around felines recognize it?
 
*
feb 18, 2003

it seems so simple in theory,
to be bold.
to talk to people without being afraid of what they think of you.
without being afraid of them not liking you.
 
to smile, in order to put others at ease,
instead of in an awkward attempt to fit in and put myself at ease.
 
to be at ease and smile at anyone,
knowing that whatever the other person does,
will not be able to perturb me.
 
to speak loudly and decisively,
not worried about what foolhardiness may come out of my mouth
 
errr...
no, i don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.
my brain doesn't process speech well enough.
the reason one mumbles is because one's mind hasn't finished
translating one's thoughts into coherent sentences yet.
and mumbling loudly...?
well, i don't know about that.
 
*
mar 6, 2002

... friendships have drawbacks,
but if one wants the benefits, one must put up with the drawbacks...
 
... i am used to being alone,
to doing things in a certain manner, alone.
and so whenever there is an opportunity to do them not alone,
it seems an encumbrance.
like a spare arm.. what would i need that for?
i am used to doing things with 2 arms...
 
... and it seems sometimes like there is something lacking about me,
something that all other humans have...
and they recognize that i don't have it,
and that is why we do not become or stay friends...
 
*
dec 22, 2001

I am timid.
but I'm also good at ignoring people.
As long as I don't acknowledge them,
as long as my gaze passes straight over them
and only pauses to linger on inanimate objects,
I am not threatened.
Not threatened by eye contact,
not threatened by hostile words, by derision,
or even the possibility of awkward conversation.
Not threatened by everyone else's vast superiority
at seeming to belong where they are,
at knowing what to do and say,
at being part of a group.
 
other people come in groups
and i come alone
 
Outnumbered, the loner's best defense
against the pack-animals is to ignore them.
 
*
jun 3, 2001

someone telling me i need friends
is like someone telling a blind person that they need spectacles
 
there may be something related to the truth in what they mean,
they perceive a lack...
 
but their solution is a bit off
 
i wouldn't have a clue as to what to do with the spectacles
 
and they wouldn't do me a bit of good
 
 
perhaps i am blind
perhaps i see visions that the sighted do not
 
we do what we know how to do
 
*
feb 21, 2001

strange.
sometimes i feel invisible.
often when i say something, noone responds in the slightest.
i suppose they don't hear me. perhaps.
or perhaps they have no reply.
but i then feel totally invisible
totally ignored
totally
like i may as well not even be there
i may as well stop paying attention.
i may as well not bother saying anything more.
(and since this has happened forever, i have stopped saying things.
i usually consider carefully before speaking. if it is worth it.
but there are still times when words just come out...)
But then i feel invisible
and slightly embarrassed.
Of course, if i am invisible, there is no need for embarrassment.
Since noone has noticed anything for me to be embarrassed of.
So it is just slightly. just a slight feeling of warmth in my cheeks.
(D'oh! It happened again! Should have known better than to open my mouth!)
slightly angry. slightly sad.
Powerful in my Invisibility.
 
*
2002 (?)

I am very alone.
I have been very alone for a very long time.
So long that I don't really know what it is like to not be alone.
So long that I wouldn't know how to not be alone.
Maybe I never learned how.
Maybe there is something about my personality that prevents me
from being together with anyone.
 
I think I lack something.
Some quality that would make people like me. Or love me.
Some quality that would make me like people. Or love them.
I don't do the right things.
I don't know the right things to do.
 
I don't feel that anyone else is like me.
Everyone else seems so different in certain fundamental ways.
 
Occasionally, a very few times and far between,
I have met someone new, sometimes online,
but these meetings go absolutely nowhere.
They end. They do not continue.
Sometimes it is a relief.
A relief to have my aloneness undisturbed again.
A relief to no longer have to wonder if the other person
is merely being polite or friendly,
while really not caring about me, or not even liking me, at all.
 

 
Maybe I just haven't met anyone who is enough like me, to be a friend.
 
No... someone would have to be very different from me, to be my friend.
They would have to actively pursue friendship, something I do not do;
they would have to get through my silent barriers, yet without scaring me away...
A difficult thing, most likely.
Would anyone who was capable of that, even want to bother?
Why would anyone want to?
 
I suppose I am still very shy...
I am wary of approaching or talking to people whom I'm not already familiar with.
At a gut level, there is a strong fear and expectation of rejection.
As well as the gut-instinct
that the other person's motives, desires, and interests
would not at all match my own.
And so my mostly unconscious, instinctual behavior patterns
are ones which protect/defend/isolate myself from contact with others.
 
Even when I'm comfortable and familiar with certain people,
I'm still a quiet person.
It seems to be part of my nature
that I don't usually have an urge to talk to anyone about anything.
 
Why have I always been so afraid of people,
so that I couldn't relax around them, or talk with them,
or join in on their conversations and games?
 
why do I always prefer being alone... ?
 
yet why do I still yearn to not be alone?
 
what is it exactly that I yearn for?
some sort of deeply meaningful companionship...
 
and what would make a deeply meaningful companionship?
 
sigh.
i just want something magic to happen
something magic to BE
i don't know what
or how...
 
do you still believe in magic, my dear child?
do you still wish upon the stars?
 
i hope so
 

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