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 ~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ archives: jan - sep 2006 |
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~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ archives: jan - sep 2006 |
| * sep 18, 2006 |
You don't like the way I look, when I look the way I like to look. There is something significant about that. |
| * sep 1, 2006 |
why am i alive? and why am i sad? why am i crying? why has it been this way for so long? oops. questions. right. does this mean it is bedtime? does this mean i shouldn't eat brussels sprouts? does this simply mean i have always been and will always be unhappy? i have no words for you today. the words i once enjoyed have become too difficult too far away too out of place, to place die, die, die! sigh why? |
| * aug 22, 2006 |
in some ways, things are better now than ever before. . but i don't feel comfortable writing about that here, anymore. |
| * aug 21, 2006 |
One time of feeling good that I remember, I was walking in to my building at work; I was in a good mood and felt energetic... maybe I even felt happy... and I remember saying "Good morning" and/or "Hello" to several people as I passed them, and it seemed remarkable to me how easy it was that day, to greet other people in a loud, clear, and audible voice. Another time, (which may or may not have been the same day), I remember walking outside to the pond at lunch, and feeling so good... And another memory, perhaps another day, as I was walking over the grass, I had an amusing exuberant feeling... a vague desire to shout out across the sunny, grassy meadow, something along the lines of, "I love you! For making me feel good!" Even though it was a bittersweet thing, then already. And a different time, I remember the uncertain, yet nice, peaceful, happy, meditative, comforting feeling, of kneeling with my forehead to the floor... happy that someone wanted me to do that for them... . I wish I felt that good more often. I wish I had a bunch of other memories of feeling good, so that those few silly things wouldn't seem at all significant, by comparison. And it's not like I don't ever feel good now... but it hasn't been the same. And that seems so sad... . I cried for an hour or two last night, for no particular reason, other than the sheer sadness of everything. And then I watched the white lightning through the window for a while, and then I decided to let the computer's glow dry my tears, like in the old days. |
| * aug 20, 2006 |
Damn you for having made me feel so good. If it weren't for that, maybe everything else wouldn't feel so lacking. . this isn't ever going to be that. the chemistry just isn't right for that. . there's really got to be something wrong when thinking back on times when you felt so good makes you feel so bad. isn't remembering good times supposed to feel good? |
| * aug 15, 2006 |
I don't feel ugly today. I didn't have a headache at work either. I still have some congestion from the cold. I don't like the one shirt I bought. What was I thinking, buying a shirt with sleeves like those? It must have been the double breast pockets that distracted me from the bad sleeves. I like those kind of pockets, because when I don't wear a bra, it makes the nipples a lot less noticeable. I had forgotten what it was like to have a bad cold like this. Even though this one isn't nearly as bad as the ones I used to have. But first with doing the Neti, and then with the garlic & vitamin C discovery, I seemed to have been spared the brunt of any colds I've caught over the last several years. Until this one. |
| * aug 14, 2006 |
i feel ugly and down. curious how those always go together. doesn't help that my daily exercises which i've been doing for decades, have become quite irregular lately, although i do still mostly keep up with the push-ups. but i feel flabby and skinny and my guts stick out. and i don't like my hair. i'm thinking i should cut the ponytail off but that wouldn't really make it look any better. it might look better a little longer overall. but i don't really like it that way either. and cutting it is always a nice change, and sometimes a relief; easier than letting it stay long. at the mall in NMB, i had my hair loose... i was walking along and vaguely heard, "Sir... Sir... Sir... Ma'am..." at the edge of my consciousness, then finally realized someone was addressing me, trying to get my attention. A girl told me her church-group was doing a scavenger hunt, and they had to find a person with a mullet, and could they have a photo taken with me? I let them do it; why not? Looking dorky in my jacket, and all... maybe everyone will laugh at me when they see the picture. But, why not. If I allow some amusement, or help them win a prize, that's not a bad thing. I don't like my hair being called a "mullet" though. Ugh. That word sounds ugly to me. . There's an underlying shroud of gloom in my life, that no matter what I experience, I can never look on it, or look back on it, and see it as being a happy experience. The best I can manage is a temporary feeling of "this is somewhat fun". But more often, it is just "this isn't bad" or "things could be a lot worse." I was thinking today, that if there were some nutrient only found in meat that allowed people to feel happy and good, that I'd choose that over being vegetarian. But there are happy vegetarians and happy vegans, I'm sure; it's just me that's gloomy. Eating meat wouldn't fix it. It would be difficult to go back to eating meat after all this time; I've got a strong aversion to it. I'd rather take a pill, if I could. But even in this unlikely theoretical situation of meat being necessary for happiness, if I were to decide to eat animal products again, I'd want them to be non-factory-farmed, and trying to find food like that would probably be even harder than finding vegan food. |
| * aug 10, 2006 |
Maybe it is me, deceiving myself. So many things to block out. To not think of. To make it through each day. |
| * july 28, 2006 |
hmm, maybe my perception is skewed. somewhat. wouldn't be the first time. |
| * july 27, 2006 |
I feel like I'm being deceived. What is there to deceive me of, though? What would be the purpose of deception? Why not just be clear? I must still serve some purpose. I wonder what. I like discovering things; having mysteries unfold. But I'm not sure that I want to find out about this one. It is over, isn't it? What this is now, is just the denouement. Isn't it? Or is it just that some people enjoy the excitement of deception? It should be clear. It would be crystal clear to anyone else. I'm just dense, aren't I? naive. unresponsive. sniff. or maybe I'm just suspicious. and pessimistic. when you don't believe someone anymore... it's probably over, isn't it? |
| * july 24, 2006 |
i'm pretty sure this low-level anxiety is just a hormonal thing. but writing things like that seems to make it worse. or maybe it just gives me another thing to feel anxiety over. |
| * july 23, 2006 |
I'm so afraid... of having to keep a job in order to pay property taxes and bills to keep from being broke and homeless of being alone of having to have big heavy furniture which i can't even move on my own or, the alternative, of being in an empty house without hardly any furniture of growing old and turning into one of those nasty old hags like they show on TV of having my skin and flesh feel like an old person's of having it be like it used to be with yahoo messenger not working yesterday, i was reminded of that old feeling feeling alone turning on the computer, seeking something, hoping for something, and not finding anything . i'm afraid that this experience is really hardly any different from that one. . i'm afraid of nuclear war. i'm afraid of war. i'm afraid of bad things happening. . my tiger reappeared; my tiger from so long ago. but surely the living need hugs more than the inanimate. why did i clutch it so, and cry? why did i not hug the living? |
| * 10 july, 2006 |
there's something different about my flesh this last year or so. i can't quite pinpoint what, but it feels older somehow, like an older person's flesh... flabbier maybe, even though I haven't gained any weight; or the skin less firm... softer, more yielding, less substantial. is this just a normal change for a 30-something year old person? or am I lacking certain nutrients? and I really do have a lot of stretch marks on my legs... but, oh well. they've never bothered me much. and since I started wearing sleeveless shirts more often, I've gotten into the bad habit of scratching and squeezing the bumps on my upper arms... sometimes too, the little bumps on my thighs... Now I tend to have red marks on my arms and legs too, not just on my face. It's still just a bad habit for now; not nearly as much a compulsion as the bumps on my face... I really should stop this bad habit while I still can. . a fancy house won't make me happy; i don't need a fancy house. even this house here is good enough for me, after all. it's just that I want to have a place of my own. ...but I'm used to having a nice porch. and it would be nice to have a screened-in porch. ...and I'm used to having a big yard. and it would be nice if the yard was private, and not just a big boring field of grass. and there's something nice about those rooms with a high ceiling... and it'd be nice to have a big room so I could run and dance from one end all the way to the other... and do cartwheels... and do jumping spinning roundhouse kicks... I could use my bo indoors with less chance of knocking out the ceiling light, if I had a high ceiling.... ... and I want a lot of nice big windows where sunshine will come in... ... but without a lot of other houses nearby so there won't be too many other people around... ... and not next to a loud high-traffic street but other than all that, I really don't need a fancy house. |
| * 4 july, 2006 |
i don't want to move to just move my current life into another house. i want something different. and i don't really want the responsibility of owning a house. and i don't really want to own a houseful of stuff; all the kind of stuff you need to have, when you live in a house. and it's nice to be able to sit and hear the neighbors shooting off fireworks. even though it makes me feel alone and apart from it all. it's nice having someone else living in this house. it's nice that someone else has the responsibility of owning this house, and not me. i like the freedom of being able to leave anytime i want to, the freedom of thinking that I could go anywhere... without having to sell a house, without having to move or get rid of a bunch of stuff. i'm afraid of being alone. i never thought, when i was younger, that being alone was something i'd be afraid of. |
| * jun 29, 2006 |
I read once that within 7 years time, all of your body's cells will have regenerated; every 7 years, your old cells are gone, and your body is new. Maybe it's like that with the mind too. Maybe the only things one remembers of events more than 7 years old, are memories of memories, and not the events themselves. Maybe if you don't think of something for 7 years, it will fade completely from your brain, and you won't ever remember it again. Maybe within those 7 years, the neurons containing the memory will die; and when they regenerate, maybe they won't have the same connections as before. Memories probably fade in lot less than 7 years, if they're never thought about. |
| * jun 22, 2006 |
Maypops - these were what that plant was, growing in the cleared area by the back parking lot at work, with fancy purplish flowers and green cucumberish looking fruit. They're even edible! I'll have to taste them next time, if I ever come across any again. |
| * jun 11, 2006 |
some people blow up when they get angry and some people implode . if it weren't for these *** breasts i could walk around topless in my house when it's hot like this, without having to close the curtains. and my chest wouldn't be as sweaty in the first place. |
| * jun 9, 2006 |
fuck. |
| * jun 7, 2006 |
why does it seem an erotic thing, for someone to be cruel to me like that? but only if I think they're doing it on purpose, sigh. only if i think they understand me well enough only if i think they care enough to want to hurt me and to know how to do it or whatever. yes fantasy is better than real life yes, yes. i'm a selfish egocentric person without a clue and i don't like sex and i don't like life and you'd be much better off with someone else plenty of strange fish in the sea |
| * 20060606 |
He wants me to grow my hair out. Isn't that proof enough we aren't compatible? I feel like cutting it all off to spite myself and everyone else. To mourn. To prove that I don't need it. That it's just hair; it isn't any big deal; I don't need to have a hand grabbing me by the hair on my head. I don't need anything at all. . It feels like before, even though it isn't. It reminds me of before. Maybe it is the same. Maybe it will be the same. What, am I supposed to apologize? When he doesn't even say what I did wrong? When I did the same as I did the times before? Has he been holding a grudge against me since the beginning? What, I'm not good enough for him, and he doesn't even tell me how, and just expects me to change? And gets upset when I don't? I don't need another person who doesn't communicate and then finally dumps it on me at the end because I don't meet their expectations. Sure, make me feel bad. Make me feel upset. Make me feel like I'm at your mercy, whether it's fair or not. I could eroticize that part of it, but I doubt he'd appreciate it. And it wouldn't be real. He probably doesn't feel loved, because to sexual people, sex feels like love, and I obviously don't understand the sex thing. And I don't feel loved, because to me, something else would feel like love. Maybe it's impossible. And now I don't want to trust him again. I don't want to give him a hug or to touch him. Or to speak to him. I might be spurned. I don't need that again. Maybe it would be better for us to break up. Although that would seem silly over such a ridiculous thing as this. But it's not going to work. And it's going to end badly, in the end. I can feel it. I bet I'm supposed to be sad and repentant. I'm supposed to care about him, not about me. Well, fuck it. I was sad and that made me angry. |
| * jun 6, 2006 |
a life sentence. |
| * may 30, 2006 |
blue lilac excitement fades to anxiety alone in an empty house in a neighborhood of strangers boom, boom, boom... alone; what difference does it make? music, internet, tv; alone all my own and all alone |
| * may 11, 2006 |
the calculating look in his eyes that one time was enticing to recall but maybe it was only consternation, after all |
| * may 11, 2006 |
that's odd. why, upon reading that, did i remember what it feels like to have the (black rubber) sole of a shoe/boot pressed against my cheek, when i don't recall ever having experienced such a thing? and for that matter, why in that one fantasy, was i able to imagine perfectly well, what it feels like to be kicked in the ribcage, guts, legs... while lying on the ground? maybe it's from watching movies and empathizing with the characters. |
| * may 8/9, 2006 |
fantasies aren't worth living for and real life isn't as good as fantasy and sure, maybe there's this wonderful special happy place inside of me that i could go to whenever i want a nice warm bright sunny place full of love and sunshine and good feelings... but i don't want to go there. it's stupid. i don't want to believe in no stupid fantasy. it's just fantasy. i don't want to have to come back to this nasty horrible grey place after having been in a nice place, so I won't even go to that stupid nice place. or maybe i don't even really believe in that stupid nice place inside of me. so i don't want to go there, because i don't want to find out that it isn't really true either. sure, maybe it's sunny and warm and wonderful, but after a while I'd get bored there too. What's so much better about being in a sunny warm and wonderful place than in a grey nasty ugly one. It's all the same. |
| * apr 2, 2006 |
I wonder if this thing with me not currently considering it erotic to be told to do things, to be dommed in that way, is something that my mind is doing; if it is something that I'm in control of, or if it is just hormonal or whatnot. Qiao told me to do something tonight, and it didn't affect me at all like it would have generally done in the past. It didn't make me feel at all aroused. It just made me stop and think... about how i didn't particularly feel like doing it; about how i didn't feel like being told to do anything; and about whether I should go ahead and do it, or not do it. About how easy it would be, to choose to not to do it. Except, how can I be a sub, without allowing myself to be dommed? And don't I still want to be a sub? Do I? I haven't formally agreed to be his sub again. Am I not eroticising this kind of thing because I don't feel like I'm in a D/s relationship with him? Yet I feel wary of agreeing to be his sub again, precisely because it doesn't currently seem erotic to me, to be told to do things. I don't want to agree to be his sub, and then end up still feeling this way, and feeling obligated to do a bunch of stuff without personally getting anything from that aspect of the relationship. It sort of feels like a part of my mind is being... obstinate... aloof... contrary... (thinking, "Leave me the fuck alone!") Refusing to be submissive. Refusing to want to be submissive. Refusing to let myself be aroused by things like that. Refusing to go into that headspace. So, why is my mind doing that? Or is it not my mind; is it something that I really am not in control of, even subconsciously? |
| * mar 27, 2006 |
i really don't like the idea of having someone giving me tasks to do which i don't feel like doing, again. i'm hungry. i'm tired. i need to do my situps so i can eat and go to sleep. maybe i don't want to be a sub anymore. is it just because i'm tired and don't feel like doing anything? it's getting harder to remember what i used to like about being told to do things. maybe that particular dynamic just isn't there between him and me. or is it just that i'm tired right now? maybe that particular dynamic wouldn't be there between me and anyone anymore. i'm tired. i just want to go to sleep, not have anyone tell me to do anything. and certainly not icky things like sticking things into my orifices. or doing bloody checklists. fuck. maybe i should just skip the damn situps again. why do i tend to get headaches on mondays? and i want to cut my hair too. i'm fucking ugly with it like this. i wish it would hurry up and get warm so i won't have a cold head. |
| * mar 20, 2006 |
:-) |
| * mar 10, 2006 |
ahem. nevermind. (mutters darkoshi goatishly) i suppose i'll let lust... and a fondness for being held... (even though it cricks my neck) drown logic... for ummm... the time... (ergh... hope 'm not actually attracted to the inherent evilness of republicans... ergh...) i still don't get this thing with people and slimy tongues, though... how they can enjoy that. |
| * mar 9, 2006 |
well, that's PMS for ya. gives you the temporary insanity to make the logical decisions which the rest of the time, you're too sane for. |
| * mar 9, 2006 |
am i ridiculous? now i'm wondering if he doesn't like me any more. maybe that's why he isn't answering that question. maybe i'm not worth answering questions to anymore. maybe he didn't even really want to go play pool with me. last year, it seems i wasn't being ridiculous. why the hell stay friends with someone you're finished with. maybe i'm not worth being friends with. maybe guys only stay friends with people they think they might be able to have sex with. of course he has to make friends with someone else now. it would make sense that he wouldn't have much time left to waste on me. it would make a lot of sense. i'll get used to it. i'll need to make friends with someone else too, once i figure out what the heck i'd do with someone. |
| * mar 9, 2006 |
* |
| * mar 8, 2006 |
having written journal entries reminds me of the times in the past when i felt the way i do now in a way, it is good knowing that i survived before and likely will survive now in a way, it is bad seeing history repeat itself and believing the future will too. |
| * mar 7, 2006 |
Oh, for Fuck's sake! Here I am, waiting ten minutes for the water to boil, and I didn't even turn the stove on!!! KILL ME!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| * mar 7, 2006 |
dang. i never really thought about it too much, but strife, or even openly expressed disagreement (if I'm the person disagreeing) really stresses me out. so much so, that often, i'd rather keep my thoughts to myself. |
| * mar 1, 2006 |
the reflection of the orange sun and pale blue morning sky on the screen of my black&white tv |
| * feb 25, 2006 |
i'm trying to find in real life what once upon a time i found in my fantasies, because those fantasies are the only thing i remember ever having yearned for. (besides death) (besides nirvana, non-existence) but the truth is, i don't even have those fantasies anymore. so how could i possibly find what i'm looking for? i've grown older, and changed. i can't recreate those fantasies in my mind, because my mind has changed. so even if i found what i was looking for, what good would it do me? i don't believe in having a soulmate, real or imaginary, anymore. my mind can't envision such a thing. my mind can't envision such a thing as perfect happiness. i can't envision it even briefly enough for a fantasy. i'm no longer a piece of a perfect wholeness; i've grown into an imperfect whole. |
| * feb 21, 2006 |
it's so cold i'm so sick of being alive go away i'm no good for you i'll always be depressed and never be happy and i'll only bring you down i wish i could go away i wish i could quit everything . a nice cool sharp blade would feel good slicing through my forehead right now through my brain tissue nice and cool i have a headache i had one last week too my ears have felt strange this last week very slightly wrong like feathers inside at times, the pressure minutely different from normal. i wonder what causes that. i wonder what causes these headaches. it'd be neat to have a futuristic hand-held medical scanner that would just tell me these kinds of things. my skin seems to be aging more and more... oh well. whatever. . i only pretend to be ok. how can i possibly be ok? there is no difference between being ok and pretending to be ok. if you're alive, you're ok. and if you're dead, it doesn't matter. i think everyone just pretends. maybe they pretend so hard, that they forget they're pretending. |
| * feb 11, 2006 |
Wododu was very good at seducing me with words. But I wasn't able to be comfortable with him. His attentions were haphazard, unreliable. Qiao's attentions have been a lot more consistent, even initially, when we were just friends. He chats with me a lot. I thought he must chat as much with all his friends, in the beginning. But maybe his intentions were more than friendship from the start, even when I said we could only be friends? Maybe that's why he's paid so much attention to me, all along? Qiao's words are a lot less seductive than Wododu's were, though. Usually when I speak or chat with him, it merely feels like I'm speaking to a friend. Qiao's seduction was physical, not verbal. Without the physical contact, the rest isn't very intense. It's a lot less mental, a lot less arousing. Just a matter of doing what he says, because as a sub, I'm supposed to do what he says. Not because it makes me feel tingly and subby inside. And even the physical contact itself makes me uncomfortable, when it becomes overly sexual. He wants to have sex with me. I still think he's doing all this because he wants to have sex with me. Which is ok, I guess, as an experiment for me, to see what it is like. But what happens when we finally end up having sex, (if we continue this), and it isn't any fun? Or not fun enough for me to want to continue doing it? Or, what happens when all this emphasis on sexual things tips the balance and makes the whole relationship not fun enough for me? Or has that already happened? I don't think we are compatible in some important, hard-to-define ways. And I don't trust his judgement, and I don't trust his skill, experience, or knowledge, because he's pretty much a newbie as far as I know. There are things we might have discussed in the beginning if I had been considering a relationship with him back then. But we skipped all that by just being friends. And then he seduced me. |
| * feb 11, 2006 |
a year ago i was wandering around downtown Charlotte, mostly deserted, cold and windy, with a dull ache in my guts and uncertain emotions. adventure! loneliness. novelty and possibilities. cold solitude, concrete, empty streets. onion rings, french fries, and apple pie in a paper bag on the passenger seat. |
| * jan 20, 2006 |
I think I write things in a mean-sounding way sometimes. He might decide he's had enough of my acerbity and ditch me. And then I'd be sad. And despondent. But in the meantime I'm the one thinking of ending this. Even though then I'd be sad too. Or maybe I'm just thinking all these things because I'm sad. Or moody. There's really no reason for it. Is there? I don't think he's going to let me masturbate this week. heheheh He shouldn't. Serve me right. It's interesting how disobeying once makes it easier to consider disobeying again. It puts the knowledge in your head, that you can choose to disobey. And how easy it is, to do so. It's interesting how doms, who like having other people follow their rules, don't seem to respect other people's rules much. I don't trust him. I don't trust. I don't know what his motives are, what his feelings are, what his intentions are. There's no way for me to trust him, or anyone. I can't get inside their heads and look. There's always the possibility that they're thinking things which they just aren't saying. There's always the possibility that they're thinking things which are very different from what they're saying. Sometimes when people are nice to you it's because they have a motive. Some people learn to be nice, and to flatter other people, because they've learned that's what gets them more of what they want. It's easy to fantasize things. Maybe it would have been too much for me, if it hadn't been like this, out of touch. Maybe it will be too much for me. |
| * jan 15, 2006 |
no relationship is likely to give you everything you need and desire so you may as well get what you can from each one |
| * jan 13, 2006 |
I could almost forget he's my dom. He doesn't feel like my dom. I don't feel much if any D/s. And I keep thinking he only wants sex with me. Even though that doesn't seem very logical. But isn't that all guys really care about? Isn't that the only reason they do anything else? Isn't that what everyone says? Even though that doesn't seem very logical. Should I keep going along with this, just to satisfy my own curiosity about sex? And just because it's comforting? And just because I'm yearning for something, even though I know this isn't it? I worry that I am cruel. Somehow crushing a domling's... initiative or spirit, or something. By being myself. What they were mentioning somewhere, once. Thinking he should be able to handle it. After all, guys are thick-skinned. Especially dom-guys, right? Comforting, but only in a make-believe way. We love flattery, even though we are not deceived by it, because it shows that we are of importance enough to be courted. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882) Doesn't feel real from either direction. Attractive in a pool-hall. Bible-thumping Christians. Out of this town. Out of this mess. Mr. Big Stuff. On and on. |
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