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went today for a walk in the woods did not seem like real woods to me such small trees does any forest feel real anymore? i do not feel the trees i see, i smell, i hear but i feel nothing what's the point of being there then i saw a crow, 2 tiny birds, a squirrel and tracks in the sand. i heard leaves moving in the wind, a crow cawing, tiny birds chirping, insects chirping, water rushing, people cheering a high school band playing. i do not feel the magic my life reflects my dreams paradox magicless bereft alone nothing nothing nothing i know already that is my life i was walking the paths not caring about anything are these trees real? the thought came to mind, what if someone were to rape me and i did not even care what difference would it make except to possibly make me anxious or embarassed to ever walk there again. i would walk away with the same nothingness in me and i thought is this what it is like for males, to not have to worry about anything, anyone as you walk alone anywhere i used to think no one can harm me i am strong it would be awful now i take it for granted that i am strong but something could still possibly happen yet it wouldn't matter much it's awful already, isn't it? anyway, my magic nullified, i was sent here here where there is no magic there was when i was a child which was before... before i came here... but the dream proceeded i have already gone back home and i have my powers i am there, though somewhat less myself than before split in two i am still here without magic spirit less there's no battlestar gallactica in my head no apache indians no wonder woman no tony and tia no darth vader pointing his light saber at me what would i need a green force-field around me for? i am insubstantial i want the bullet to hit me there never are any bullets any fights i did say the forest scene was stale i left, i did. the desert is all that is real yourself in the emptiness so i got up and walked away but i am still there and i am still here . apparently i have ... what will i do when i have enough is it ever enough and the concept of tele-commuting is apparently catching on where shall i go what shall i do cable tv is too expensive shall i climb the walls? i shan't likely like to stare at leaves with no connection between them and my spirit my spirit i think has gone |