feb 2001
Sometimes it seems i grew up in a world that has never existed.
Everyone else seems to have grown up in some other strange world
that i was not aware of.
All these people talking about having boyfriends or girlfriends
when they were so young. I only vaguely remember a few kids
being boy+girlfriend couples when i was in school. Was it really
nearly everyone, as it sounds like now?
Were they interested in sex? Sex to me was some gross thing that
adults did, but that I certainly never would. I thought that surely
most of my classmates thought it was gross like I did. What else
could they think? Why would anyone want to stick their tongue in
someone else's mouth or vice versa? Why would anyone want someone
else's saliva or other bodily fluids in their body or anywhere near
them, for goodness' sake!?
I first found out about sex from the "Where Do Babies Come From?" book my
dad gave me in the 3rd grade. All I remember it mentioning was that men
and women "rolled" around in bed and that somehow, the sperm got from the
man into the woman and merged with the egg and become a baby. A man and
woman rolling around in bed with sperm being transferred was a weird
enough thing. Much later I discovered the whole thing about the
penis actually entering the vagina, and was disgusted by the thought.
It has only been recently, since I've been in my mid-twenties, that
I've even become interested or curious about sex. I still don't want
to have sex with anyone (the thought still disgusts me), but I am
interested in what makes everyone tick. What are my own reactions
to sex? Why do other people like sex? What do they think of it?
Why do some people seem to be so horrified and grossed out by
homosexual sex? I, having been grossed out by all forms of sex,
yet having to live in a world full of it, have become tolerant of it.
It is just something other people do. If they want to, that is their
business. Just because I do not want to, does not make it wrong for
them. And it makes no difference whether it is heterosexual or
homosexual.
In the last few years, I have had some semi-sexual fantasies myself, which
have made me curious about how I myself tick. Previous to this, for perhaps
as long as I remember back, I had fantasies which aroused me, but which were
not even vaguely sexual or romantic in nature. I also used to masturbate,
though not by manually touching myself. Rather by pressing and rubbing my
lower regions, stimulating my clitoris, I suppose, against a rolled up
blanket or pillow. I didn't realize this was a sexual thing, to begin with.
At a certain age, when it dawned to me that this was masturbation, and that
it was related to the gross thing called sex with its penises and vaginas,
I decided that I didn't want to masturbate anymore. I would rather not.
Later, eventually, masturbation stopped being such an abhorrent idea.
Masturbation was not actually having sex. It was not actually having
someone else's body part inside of mine. So I got over that inhibition.
I started to realize that my non-sexual fantasies and some parts of how
they made me feel might also somehow be related to sex. After realizing
that, I began exploring blatant sexual themes in my fantasies.
It seems now that it is easier to fantasize about sexual themes than my
previous non-sexual themes, but that the results are not usually as
emotionally impacting or satisfying.
But even though certain things are interesting to fantasize about, they are
nothing that I would want to experience in real life. Real life is not a
fantasy, and things that I fantasize about couldn't even exist in this
real life. Furthermore, real life has gross things like bodily fluids and
diseases and pregnancies to think about. Why deal with all that when you
can fantasize and/or masturbate without them? And with fantasies, you can
have what you want when you want it. When you've had enough, you can
just stop or change the fantasy. You don't have to deal with real other
people and their lives and their desires.
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