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Regarding Gender .. Androgyne Biologically, I am female. Somewhen during my childhood, though, I developed a disdain for many things which were considered "feminine". To me, these things seemed to be pointless, ridiculous, less attractive than the "masculine" or nongendered versions of things, or as more negative than positive. Some of these things were: Makeup Why should women want to put paint on their faces? Why did they feel like they wouldn't look good enough just as they were? Most women seemed to look better without cosmetics than with it. Plus, wearing makeup was one of the incomprehensible things females did to attract males, and I was put off by the whole idea of male/female dating, romance, and sex. Fancy hairstyles and hair barrettes, ribbons, etc. I preferred having my hair loose. It was so much simpler and more comfortable than wearing barrettes, braids, or ponytails, etc. Shaving of legs and underarms Shaving off the hair on one's legs and underarms seemed pointless to me. Men didn't have to do it; why should women? Feminine attire Dresses and skirts were not particulary good for playing in. They didn't provide much protective cover to one's knees or shins, resulting in some pretty bad cuts and scrapes if one fell while wearing them. Wearing a dress also wasn't good for when one wanted to hang upside-down from the monkey bars. High-heeled shoes were ridiculous things. They made it harder for women to walk, never mind running or engaging in any kind of athletic activity. What was the point of wearing shoes which hindered one's ability to move? I generally found masculine and unisex-style clothing nicer than feminine-style clothing. It looked so much more stylish, sturdy, and practical. Even the boys' and men's watches were better than the women's. They had neat things built in like stop-watches, countdown timers, lighted displays, and alarms. Stereotypical "feminine" traits : weakness vs strength Women were considered weaker than men. It was considered non-feminine for women to be particularly strong, sporty, or active, but these were traits that I admired. Stereotypical "feminine" traits : fear vs courageousness Women were often portrayed as rather cowardly. They screamed at the slightest fright, and were afraid of bugs and mice and rats. They would even jump up onto a chair to get away from a little mouse on the kitchen floor. This seemed stupid to me. Stereotypical "feminine" traits : social skills vs logical skills Women were generally portrayed as having good social skills, but not being good at logic, or not as smart as men. Yet I did not have good social skills, and based on school performance and aptitude tests, I was very intelligent. Stereotypical "feminine" traits : the desire for marriage and children I've never wanted to get married or to have children. Formal marriage seems an encumbrance sometimes. If two people love each other and want to be together, they should do so. And if they no longer want to be together, they should part. The reasons why I don't want children are... - I have no innate desire to have children, nor special fondness for children. - I wouldn't want to be pregnant for 9 months. Nor would I want the responsibility and work of raising and taking care of a child for 18 or more years after that. - I think I would make a particularly bad parent; my personality would not be very nurturing to a child. - I have felt bad enough during certain times of my own life that I wouldn't want to impose this life upon another being. Especially not when that being would be genetically similar to me and therefore possibly similar to me in other ways, and potentially likely to feel the same as I have felt. * So, based on these and other things, I never quite viewed myself as a typical female. Sometimes, my traits seemed to be more male or ungendered than female. But generally, I simply considered the popular or standard assumptions of male and female traits to be untrue. I didn't agree that females were naturally more weak or fearful than males, or that they were naturally worse at math and logic than males. I didn't believe that men were naturally less sensitive or caring than women. These merely seemed to be false stereotypes. Going through puberty was annoying, when my breasts started to grow and my menstrual cycles started. These things weren't at all positive or enjoyable for me, as they seem to have been for many other adolescent females. I would have been quite content to do without them. I disliked having breasts so much that I told my mom that I would have them removed when I was an adult and able to do so. That hasn't yet happened, although I do still consider it sometimes. Breasts are of no conceivable use, attractiveness, or pleasure to me, and often are a major annoyance. They are not an erogenous zone for me, as they seem to be for most other females. In spite of my dislike of "feminine" things, I don't think that others viewed me as particularly tomboyish. I was a shy and quiet child; I didn't make many friends nor participate in many group activities or sports. I certainly wasn't the boisterous, confident, and sporty type that tomboys were usually portrayed as. However, I did enjoy physical activity, as long as it wasn't team sports. I particularly liked doing pushups, situps, weightlifting, and other exercises for building up my muscles. I also was interested in learning martial arts. The character Caine/Grasshopper in the "Kung Fu" television series was particularly admirable to me - how he could fight very well, and defend himself, but how he was still spiritual and compassionate, and preferred non-violent solutions to problems. * As an adult, I have found a term that seems to fit me well, gender-wise... (as used here, "gender" refers to a person's mental identity, whereas "sex" refers to their physical characteristics.) That term is "androgyne". An androgyne is someone whose gender isn't mainly masculine or feminine, but rather neither, or both. I generally feel like a non-gendered (aka "undifferentiated") androgyne. Other terms that fit me are "genderqueer" and "neutrois". Other people probably still see me as a woman, but in my own mind, thinking of myself as an androgyne feels much more right, somehow. I've never been able to identify much as a woman, nor truly as a man, but I do identify as an androgyne. Curiously enough, once I started thinking of myself as an androgyne, I became more open to the idea of trying various things which previously I had no desire for. For example, I'll now occasionally wear a skirt, nail-polish, or gender-neutral jewelry. I also find it comfortable nowadays to not wear a bra, as long as my shirt is such that my breasts do not seem prominent. I also find it comfortable to sleep wearing only my underwear. The idea of being naked doesn't bother me as much as it used to - I am less body-shy. My fantasies are changing... I can sometimes envision myself with breasts in my fantasies, without it being a repulsive thing. These are not female breasts, they are androgyne breasts. Somehow, that makes them less repulsive, though not more attractive. Now when I wear things that might be considered feminine, I don't really consider them as feminine, but rather androgynous. Skirts are still difficult for me, as I can't help but feeling that I look too feminine in them - that everyone else who sees me wearing the skirt will see me as a woman, not as my true self. I suppose that is another reason why I never much liked wearing most feminine clothing, even when I was young. |