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sexuality, or what orientation am i anyway? Until my mid-20's, I would describe myself as having been asexual. I wasn't at all sexually attracted to other people, and the thought of sex itself was a major turn-off for me. (And, no, I wasn't sexually abused in my past.) Yet, I did have arousing fantasies of a non-sexual nature, with themes such as being held captive, of suffering pain & torture, of being under someone else's power, etc. In other words, only things of a BDSM nature have ever seemed to be a turn-on for me. Starting in my mid-20's, my fantasies began to include sexual elements. However, they still weren't of a typical heterosexual male/female nature. My fantasy-self was usually physically androgynous and my fantasy-partners were quasi-male, or also androgynous. It was difficult for me to become aroused when thinking of myself as female. Likewise, heterosexual or lesbian stories (movies, books, etc.) of a sexual nature very rarely interest me or turn me on, but ones about gay male characters sometimes do. Therefore, although I am physically female, and although I am more likely to be attracted to a man than to a woman, "heterosexual" doesn't seem an apt description of me. Likewise, even though now (in my mid-30s) I usually fantasize about sex while masturbating, it still isn't in the sense of sex being a pleasurable act which my imaginary partner and I look forward to doing just for the sheer enjoyableness of it. Plain sex isn't pleasurable to me, physically or mentally - it doesn't arouse me. Even sex where my partner is doing their best, in a caring, loving, and gentle way, to make me feel good, doesn't arouse me mentally. It isn't necessarily displeasurable - certain kinds of foreplay can be relaxing, and plain sex can be okay, but it is not something I would seek out nor fantasize about. So even though I now fantasize about sex, there is still always an element of power, or dominance/submission (D/s), or force, or non-consensuality to it. That is what makes the fantasy arousing, and what allows me to masturbate, in the same way as I did to the non-sexual fantasies I had when I was young. I am still not attracted to people based solely on their sex or gender. In the last few years, I have been sexually attracted to 3 people, all of them males, and the sexual attraction was in each case due to purposeful D/s interactions between us. By "sexual attraction", I mean that there were instances when I felt sexually aroused by our interactions. However, I still did not have any particular desire to have sex, other than potentially as a D/s interaction. I assumed that since my non-sexual interactions with these people were arousing, that submitting to sexual interactions with them might also be arousing, and that in this way, the sexual activities might be enjoyable for me. However, I still don't have any desire for sex for its own sake. And my sexual attraction still doesn't seem to be either a typical heterosexual, homosexual, nor pansexual one. I still consider myself to be largely asexual, although not completely... Perhaps I'm a kinky asexual, or autosexual, or very-low-sex-drive person. |