march 9 2001
It just grosses me out seeing male-female sexual explicitness. Like on
TV. Perhaps male-male situations would gross me out too if they were
shown so explicitly? But what they do show of male-male situations is
usually just enough to make me curious. And they hardly ever show
female-female situations. So I'm not sure how that would make me feel.
Though I think it would be mainly indifference. This does not sound
like a normal heterosexual reaction to things.
What am I? A gay male in a female body? I might think so, except that
I don't have any attraction to penises. I haven't found the word
for me yet.
Chickens do not have penises, I have read. Well, roosters, I mean.
Are all birds that way? What makes them want to have sex? Do they
have sexual nerves even without the penises? How do they manage to
have sex? Do they learn from watching other birds? If even humans,
who hear and talk about sex for years before attempting it, have
trouble with the physical aspects of it when they first try it,
how do birds or other animals possibly manage it? And what on earth
goes on in their minds, to cause them to do it? It seems so strange.
Curious. It gets easier to write about sex. Words which at first
seem taboo and unsettling to write become simple the second time
around. And truths about myself which I am uneasy about exposing
become no big deal after I have written them.
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