---

 
nov 14, 2001
 
fantasies... common threads....
I feel reticent to talk or write about sexual fantasies, because
1) I wouldn't want anyone to think that I would actually want
those things to happen in real life - I wouldn't. It wouldn't be
the same at all. It would be unpleasant or horrible in real life.
But in fantasies, where one's own mind is controlling everything,
and where one can ignore the unpleasant parts and just pay attention
to the parts that are enticing... it is very different.
2) I wonder if writing about fantasies would make them less
poignant. Less dynamic. Less special. Just something that has been
written down.
 
I wonder exactly what the situations are that turn me on.
I have some ideas, and like #1, it is unpleasant to think about.
I don't like to think that certain things turn me on, and so I
haven't studied these topics ... much. But I think I should. Delve deeper.
Perhaps there is a deeper meaning or explanation. One shouldn't need
to shy away from the truth because it looks unpleasant.
 
so to start with, common threads...
 
things like conflict, overpowerment, captivity...
a wanting... being wanted...
things like brutality, within limits.
 
things like caring, in spite of ruthlessness...
things like understanding and humor.
humor at the understanding of the mutual enjoyment of brutality?
but no, not enjoying it in the fantasy... right?
that would change the feeling and ruin it.
so one pretends to not enjoy it, and that makes it enjoyable...
hmmm...
 
power. physical and mental. insight. experience.
 
want... a wanting...
a caring...
perhaps not true love, but something needy...
 
 
vs. non sexual
 
mutual strengths and power
conflict
partnership
agreed upon slavery/odedience... for a price, a gain... for a time.
understanding - total understanding,
a sharing of emotions and thoughts... to a certain point.
secrets, levels to which one hasn't delved or shared.
absolute certainty and trust... at a deep level;
a certain trust, but not in everything... just a certain something;
trust that there will always be caring,
not that there won't be hurt or pain or betrayal.
just knowing this person cares is enough.
even if we hate each other, that we still care as well.
if i kill you, i kill myself...
 
a togetherness
a bond eternal
no matter what happens, the bond will still be there
even if we become enemies,
we will still have that bond
that understanding
that commonality
 
willingness to cause total despair and anguish...
despair and anguish...
and caring...
willingness to do this for... for togetherness
...for power...
 
despair, anguish, anger, hate, confusion... extremes of emotion
contentment, amusement, resignedness, curiosity
a certain level of happiness and love...
not too deep, but a surface level that one can still enjoy,
without removing the likelihood of the other emotions.
also small levels of sadness, confusion, frustration...
small levels that can lead to greater levels, or not.
 
slow. slow build up of emotions. not abrupt explosions
which would have less force, less reason, less power......
 
depression....
 
oh, yes. Fear.
Fear of?
fear of... power
fear of another person's blindingly bright (or dark) power
fear of anger, of hate, from the one person who loves you the most
fear of loss
 
intensity.
 

 
*
 
back
 

---