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I've actually considered having sex. In real life. But mainly for
curiosity's sake, I think. I don't really believe that I would enjoy it.
I don't think I would get a wonderful orgasm, since I haven't gotten any
such thing from my fantasies and masturbation.
 
I do have orgasms, I think, but they are rather minor. Not the "exploding
fireworks" kind of thing or uncontrollable powerful pulsing of the vagina or
body that some people describe their orgasms as. Just a short release.
Sort of like scratching an itch and having it finally flood with warmth and
stop itching. A sudden relaxation, where I can possibly fall comfortably
asleep for a few more hours.
 
They say the clitoris is small and hard to find. I think mine is even much
smaller than usual. It's hard to imagine how some people could have theirs
pierced - theirs must be bigger than mine, indeed.
 
And as for any physical reason for wanting something pushed
into one's vagina, I don't quite get it... why would someone enjoy that
sensation? Do other females have nerves that I don't?
Or does it feel radically different after the hymen is broken?
Now, mental reasons for wanting it, I may understand.
In the right context, the idea of being penetrated can be arousing...
But it doesn't seem a pleasurable thing from a purely physical sense.
Maybe my nerves really are different.
 
I don't think I would enjoy the physicality of sex - the bodily
fluids... uck. And I would need some sort of birth control; condoms aren't
100% safe... Birth control pills would probably make me break out in pimples - ugh.
And what else can one use when one's hymen is still intact? It makes it difficult
to insert any contraceptive device in there.
 
Not to mention that I can't imagine anyone real whom I would want to have sex with.
Unless some charming top/dom were to come along and seduce me in the right
way. And didn't then mess it up by doing something that would turn me off.
 
Which is even harder to conceive...
 
Theoretically, the top would need to be male, since there aren't any human
androgynous hermaphrodites without breasts, without testes, and with
retractible penii, that I have heard of. (Actually, I have heard some
intriguing things recently... hmmm...) And I just can't imagine a
female having the kind of personality that would turn me on.
 
Sexual imagery involving ostentatious displaying or touching of breasts
and/or women wearing high heels, as well as the idea of men being attracted
to these - are some of the things that most turn me off. I have absolutely
no conception as to why heterosexual males find these things attractive.
 
I do not like breasts. I do not like having them, nor do I find them
attractive on others. But then again, male genitals are quite unaesthetic too.
Seeing them up close would most likely be a major turn off for me.
So, am I really attracted to males?
 
I wonder sometimes if my lack of sexual attraction to other people is
because I never get physically close enough to them to be affected by their
pheromones. Maybe my body doesn't produce pheromones. Or maybe my body doesn't
respond to them. Is sexual attraction caused in large part by pheromones?
Do pheromones cause people's brains to go giddily haywire, and that
is why they sometimes act so seemingly incomprehensibly?
 
I don't seem to be sexually attracted to females. Nor am I really physically
attracted to males. But my counterparts in fantasies always appear
outwardly male. I can't imagine a female, even one involved in a BDSM
situation with me, really turning me on. I can't imagine a female with that
aura of power, strength, combined good & evil, and combined compassion &
cruelty. Maybe if the female didn't have breasts, and had a calm deep
voice, I could begin to imagine it. But would that really be a female
then?
 
It's also hard imagining myself attracted to a male, if that male were to
view me as "female", or were to be attracted to me in a male-female sense.
I wouldn't like a guy who liked my breasts... I wouldn't like a guy who
bought into the whole notion of me, as a female, being radically different
from him, as a male. I would want someone to see me as me. Not as a
female, not as a male, but just as ME.
 
So, assuming that a theoretical male's external genitalia did not totally
turn me off to begin with, or that I did not need to see or touch them...
And, assuming that this male did not treat me in a way that would seriously
annoy me, such as treating me as a "female"... such as fondling my breasts
(they would probably need to be covered to not bother me) or expecting me to
be submissive because I am female...
 
And even if there were someone special like that out there, would I
be able to do anything to please them in a sexual sense???
 
Well. This just isn't going to happen. Is it. So, if I ever do have sex
in real life, it would surely not be enjoyable. So, I had better stick to
my fantasies.
 
 
....
 
It is odd. I am turned on by imaginary situations where I am overpowered
by someone else, where I am whipped or beaten or punished until I can
take no more, until I surrender... or where I don't even have a chance
to surrender...
 
But present me with any similar scenario (on tv, in a story, etc) where
a male overpowers a female - and that turns me totally off. I cannot handle
the notion that females are inherently weaker than males. It is unfair;
it is uneven; it is not acceptable. Instead of being something erotic,
it rather evokes a determination in me that the female should never
give in, should never surrender. And somehow, without that
implicit surrender, that choice to surrender, that personal admission to
being under someone else's power (consensuality or even consensual
"nonconsensuality")... there is no turn-on.
 
I don't quite know why it is such a different thing to my mind for a
male to overpower a female, than it is for a strong gender-neutral
person to overpower some other, weaker, gender-neutral person.
I just do not like the idea of being inherently weaker than my
adversary, friend, or lover. I am strong. Even if I am not as
strong as someone else... I am strong. You cannot take that away.
You have no right to assume anything about me only on the basis of
what sex I was born.
 
So, this is why the characters in my fantasies tend to be hermaphrodites.
Even if some characters are inherently more suited to being either a top
or a bottom, it is because of their personalities, not because of their
bodies. Not because of some fluke of how they were born. And they
don't have to be only one way or the other - they can be either a top or
a bottom, in different situations. It can be an even, balanced thing.
 
I think this is why I have been interested in homosexuality, and why I
seem to be able to relate to some gay male BDSM stories. There isn't
that rigid male/female sexual gender divide. (And there aren't breasts.)
 
With turn-ons and turn-offs like these, no wonder it took me so long to
become interested in sex. How long does it take a human to realize that
they can create their own sexual fantasies that are completely different
from any of the typical male/female examples that are shown on popular media?
How long does it take a human to create a fantasy where they themselves,
and all the other characters, are significantly physically different than
humans are in real life?
 
 
....
 
I mentioned to my brother a while ago some things regarding my feelings
about my sexuality. In response, he said that I must have experienced
some deep trauma when I was very young, which I don't even remember, yet
which caused me to be this way. I have sometimes wondered that myself.
But I truly remember no such thing. And I believe I would.
 
So, no. I do not believe that anything bad happened to me. I am this
way because I am, not because anything "caused" me to become this way.
This is just who I am, and there is nothing wrong with it. It does make
some things complicated, but it is not an unnatural thing. To other people,
it may seem unnatural, but not to me.
 
 
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