i was just considering why i couldn't imagine being turned on by a woman;
why the significant people in my fantasies never appear female.
 
and i had a sudden realization
that it might be because i can't imagine a woman
truly caring about me in such a deep and passionate manner.
 
this seems odd,
because surely there have been more women than men in my life
who have seemed to care about me.
my female relatives - my mother, grandmother, and aunts,
have always shown more affection to me than male ones have.
haven't they?
 
yet this female type of caring -
to me it doesn't seem truly deep.
it is just a typically feminine / motherly tenderness.
it is the default for them to care.
 
i need some kind of telepathy.
i need to know what someone else feels...
and i need to know that they know how i feel,
and that they care about me because of who and what i am,
not just because i am related to them,
or because they feel some sort of compassion for me.
 
 
perhaps i feel the way i do about female relationships
because there haven't been many examples in my life
of women with deep soul-mate type relationships,
even in stories.
 
there are many stories of men and women feeling very deeply for each other;
feeling such a strong bond, that they would fall into utter despair
if they were to lose each other.
romeo and juliet. the princess bride and her dread pirate guy.
tanis and laurana. riverwind and goldmoon.
 
these stories of strong male-female bonds of romantic love
usually do not strike a deep resonance in me.
i can appreciate the strong bond,
but there's just something inexplicable / incomprehensible about it.
'handsome man falling helplessly in love with beautiful woman' -
that's not the type of relationship i imagine for myself.
 
likewise, there are many stories of men feeling very strongly for each other,
even if not usually in a sexual manner.
stories such as julius caesar and brutus,
raistlin and caramon, flint and tasslehoff,
nick and lacroix, obi-wan and qui-gon,
luke and vader, hercules and ioleaus,
vanyel, tylendel and stefen...
 
these relationships, i can understand and relate to myself.
i can /feel/ those bonds and those emotions.
they make sense.
 
 
however, there seem to be a lot fewer stories of women
feeling so deeply for each other.
xena and gabrielle are a good example,
the Chanur crew perhaps...
but i can't think of any other examples right now...
 
In stories, when women care for each other,
it is usually in a maternal, comforting, and friendly way,
rather than in a deeply passionate, soul-scorching way.
 
 
so, whenever i have imagined a sympathetic female,
it has been in a maternal, gently caring manner,
rather than in the mutual true-deep-understanding-love way,
which i would want and need.
 
i want someone to truly care and understand, and really like me,
not someone who would only comfort me.
i need someone who can make me /feel/,
and not just good lovely happy feelings;
someone who can make me feel everything -
pain/anger/love/joy/despair/strength/fear/awe...
 
someone whom i could love deeply.
 
 
so, if i can begin to imagine
such a true-deep-strong relationship with a female
(whether or not she doesn't have breasts or a deep voice),
rather than some generic soft-maternal type relationship,
it begins to be something with possibilities.
 
 
 
 
so, if i replace my old perceptions of females
with this new possibility, this new perception,
females become fairly equivalent to males,
and they can be significant people for me too.
 
besides physical differences, then,
what differences would be left
between so-called males and so-called females?
none, really.
and mere physical differences shouldn't be of big importance...
 
i still find it hard to imagine a female being able to overpower me...
well. it could be possible, i suppose,
 
okay. but then, what about the sexual aspect?
it would be hard to imagine being overpowered in /that/ way.
there might be other possibilities, i suppose.
surely my mind is creative enough...
 
although if the so-called male characters in my fantasies
can have hermaphroditic bodies,
why shouldn't the so-called female ones too?
 
 
here i am talking about females as if i'm not one of them.
as if they are something so /other/.
i'm used to calling myself 'female',
but i don't really view myself as one at all.
i don't put myself in that category.
 
i'm trying to get rid of these categories in my mind,
trying to break down some of these walls...
 
 
..
 
maybe if I picture guys as having breasts,
or envision my 'hermaphrodite' characters as having them,
I could eventually get used to having them myself.
maybe i could stop seeing breasts as such useless unpleasant things.
 

 
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