A BDSM-atic discussion between an aspect of myself and its alter-ego.

---
Scene: Person 1 is sitting on a bed.  He leans against the wall with his legs 
stretched out before him.  Person 2 lies contentedly with his eyes closed,
his head resting upon Person 1's leg.  Person 2 seems exhausted, with traces 
of sweat still upon his hair and face, and yet very much at peace.

Person 1:
I want you to tell me what you get out of this...  Explain to me why you let
me hurt you... whip you... embarrass you... all of these things.  You must 
get something from it; you must feel something special from it that you can't
get anywhere else...  You enjoy it; otherwise you wouldn't even be here with 
me right now.

[Person 1 lightly caresses the side of Person 2's face before continuing.]

Why did you choose to stay with me, knowing that this is how it would be, when 
you had the chance to go away?  Why are you still here with me now?  Think 
about these things...  I want you to understand your feelings and to be able 
to explain them to me.  Write your thoughts down, if you think that will help.

[Person 1 pauses, during which time Person 2 shifts his head slightly and lets
out a content sigh.]

Person 1:
And maybe someday I'll tell you what /I/ get from it.

---
Scene: Several days later.

Person 2:
You make me feel so... alive.  I mean, yes, when you do those things, it 
hurts - it /really/ hurts.  Each time, I don't know how I can stand it 
anymore... I think I must be crazy for staying with you...
But afterwards, after the pain, it's so... so good. It's hard to describe...
It's a high, better than anything else.  Noone else has ever been able to
make me feel this way before; noone's been able to do the things that you 
do to me.  I feel so safe and at peace then...  so loved... it's like I've
had this gaping hole inside me, and I wasn't even aware of it until I met 
you...  but you fill that hole...  you make me complete.

I love you, I really do.  When I get into that state of high, there's 
nothing I wouldn't do for you.  So whatever you want to do to me, I'll 
get through it for you...  I trust you...

[Person 2 pauses, looking away and suddenly somewhat uncomfortable.]

Maybe I shouldn't trust you.  You said so yourself.  You told me I'd 
regret staying with you,.. but I don't, so far.  I /do/ trust you; I 
can't help it... even if it doesn't make sense.  And leaving you, 
knowing what I'd lose... that I'd probably never feel this way again,
would be unbearable.  I don't know what I'd do then; everything would 
be pointless...

In the beginning, I hated you, you know.  /Really/ hated you.  I 
didn't understand...  I thought you must hate me too, to be treating 
me the way you were...

[there is a long pause, after which...]

Person 1 speaks softly:
I saw something in you... Not right away, I admit.  At first it was 
just for fun...  My sense of fun can be very cruel...  And you were 
an easily available and deserving victim...

[another long pause]

But then I started seeing something in your eyes, something in how 
you were responding to me...  I hadn't expected that from you.  
There /have/ been others before you, but I just wasn't expecting it...

[Person 1's voice grows louder]

It was fun, but I knew it couldn't last.  You didn't belong to me.
When you ran away, I thought it was over.  I thought I must have 
been wrong, that whatever had been between us, whatever you felt,
wasn't enough to matter.  So, even when they got you back, and you 
/must/ have known they'd get you back, fool!...

[Person 1's voice has become rougher, a hint of anger in it, and 
he swats Person 2's head for emphasis upon the word 'fool']

Even then, I didn't expect anything else from you.

And since you obviously had /no/ morals at all, and weren't worth 
showing any mercy too... I decided to have some /real/ fun with 
you then.

[a sarcastically mocking tone enters Person 1's voice]

And I know just how much you enjoyed /that/.

[Person 2 grimaces, and Person 1 tousles Person 2's hair in response]

Person 1, continuing in a normal voice:
That's why I was so surprised later, when you chose to stay with me.

[an interlude of silence while both Persons remember the past]

Person 2 finally responds softly:
But it wasn't you I was running away from, in the first place.


---
Scene: Later.  Perhaps the same day, or perhaps another day.

Person 1:
There's something about being able to hurt people that turns me on...
I like seeing the fear in their eyes when they look at me; I like 
knowing that they are under my power, and that I can hurt them, 
and that even when they are in horrible pain, that they can't do 
anything to stop it until /I/ choose to stop.

If they fight me... if they put up a good fight, if they're a good
opponent, a strong spirit, that makes the victory all the sweeter...

But when I know that /they/ know I've won... when their struggles
cease, when they're hanging onto sanity by the barest thread,
willing to do anything to get the pain to stop; when they 
surrender to me... completely...

That's what I live for...

And when they do surrender to me, like you do...  I love them, in
a way...  I love /you/...  It's not just anyone who would let me do
these things to them...  There aren't that many people in regular
society who go for this kind of stuff...  And one can't usually 
just go around torturing random people for the fun of it.

[Person 1 smiles briefly]

It's better anyway, knowing that the other person wants it and 
enjoys it as much as I do...  It gives the whole game meaning and
makes it fun.  That's why people like you are special to me.

Our game is a predatory dance, a hunt.  It's /fun/ when the 
prey enjoys the chase, when the prey has as much enthusiasm as 
the hunter, when they're both playing with all their hearts.  
Sometimes the prey wins; it escapes; it gets out of range and 
throws back its head and laughs at the hunter's defeat...

But when I catch someone in this game, and when they give
themselves to me...  it makes me feel very protective of them.  
That sounds ironic, doesn't it?  That I would torture someone like 
I have done to you, and at the same time, feel very protective of 
you?  But it's true, when you've surrendered, when you've put your 
destiny in my hands, it's an honor.  I have to respect that, and 
take good care of you in return.


Person 2:
You do take good care of me.  I know you don't just get off on 
hurting me - I can feel your care.  You've got such a... gentle 
touch, when I need it.  You can make me feel so bad, but then so
good... or even both at the same time.

[Person 2 leans over to kiss Person 1, and it evolves into a long,
passionate kiss, before they separate again.]

Person 2 continues:
Sometimes, you seem to know what I'm thinking even before I know
it myself.  When I see you looking at me, I can't hide from those
eyes of yours; it's like you can see my thoughts, like you know 
exactly how I feel, and what I want and need...  You're able to
turn me on so easily...  All it takes is a certain touch sometimes,
or a look, or a word...  You know exactly how to affect me.  
Sometimes I think I understand what you're feeling, too...  
At times like that, it's like we're one person, not two...

Sometimes, the pain is an awakening... a bridge... it leads me to 
another place, beyond any pain, where I feel so free... it can be
euphoric...

Sometimes, pain is a gift.  You give it to me, because I need 
it.  And accepting it is an offering I offer back to you, because 
I know you appreciate it.

Other times, the pain is so bad that I want to retaliate...
In my anger, I want to hurt you too... sometimes I tell myself 
that this time it is really too much, that I will leave you and
never come back... but when it's over, you're always there for 
me; it's so good, and the pain seems so inconsequential.
You've shown me that I can handle more than I ever knew I could...

When we fight, you seem to enjoy it as much as I do... even when
you lose.  But... we both win in the end.



---------------------------------


it's odd how one can imagine things like this...
where does it come from?
where does one get the idea of pain being enjoyable,
when one's real-life experiences have always said
that Real Pain is /not/ enjoyable?
haven't they?
well... except for taekwondo class... and similar situations...

no, no, no...
that hardly qualifies as Real Pain.
although it might be a nice franzy-pansy pretension of it.

still, taekwondo classes...
(yes, sir!)
(with a bow, sir!)
(and i'll get right on those 50 pushups now, sir!)
and that israeli tour guide...
and my trig/calculus teacher in high school...
with those lucent blue eyes...
ooh.

it's not the pain that's arousing,
it's the /idea/ of the pain.
the /idea/ of suffering

(experiencing Real Pain might nullify the arousal effect.
on the other hand, it might enhance it...
who could say?, until they had actually experienced it.
but it's not just any Real Pain that would be arousing;
the situation would need to be just right...
and getting that to happen would be most unlikely...
so... who could say?)

why is the idea of suffering arousing?

perhaps because it might evoke pity in another person,
which could evolve into care and affection?


...no, really - why is the idea of suffering arousing?


the idea of pain and suffering is arousing,
because it implies one is under the power of the person inflicting it.


and that is why it is not only pain and suffering,
or the ideas thereof, that are arousing,
but also other situations in which one feels a power-struggle.
such as the threat of punishment.
bondage.
forced or coerced submission.
the knowledge that one can not win.
or the knowledge that it would be difficult to win.
(but one does not truly want to win most of the time,
 for that would mean losing the thing that gets one aroused...)


so, why is the idea of being helpless,
of being under someone else's power, arousing ?
(given that this overpowering person is not despiccable) ?

define despiccable...
(note: imagining a despiccable person inflicting pain upon me
generally ends up with me seeing that person
as not being quite so despiccable.
however, that is due to imagination.
it is simple to change an imaginary despiccable person
into an imaginary non-despiccable person,
especially when it suits one's own purpose.)

definition:
a despiccable person is someone whom i would not like;
someone whose thoughts, motives, and actions are
very contradictory to my own.
a despiccable person is one
whom i would not (willingly) surrender to.

without a situation of willing surrender,
i do not seem to get aroused.
therefore, in order to be aroused,
the person i was in a power-struggle with
would need to be non-despiccable.


so, why is the idea of being helpless,
of being under the power of another person
(who is non-despiccable),
arousing ?

...good question...

i like the idea of someone else
...caring (not necessarily in the normal sense)... enough about me
to want me to be under their control.

yes... i seem to correlate this to a caring on their part.

i can also imagine someone caring for me
without them wanting me to be under their power.
yet, that is not nearly as arousing.

so why are the power-struggle and surrender aspects arousing?


i don't like the cliche / standard answer
that it is because one subconsciously believes
that sex is somehow bad or wrong,
and that one therefore can only enjoy it
when it is out of one's own control,
when it is ~forced~ upon one.
that mindset seems so boring, so prudish.
surely my mindset, even the subconscious part,
wouldn't be that way?

if sex feels good,
there shouldn't be anything wrong with doing it.
i do believe that...

although truthfully, I do still think sex is gross... in real-life.
so, perhaps my subconscious is still affected by that.

but fantasy-sex doesn't have those gross parts...
that's why it's fantasy.
my fantasies don't include the gross things
(like slime and ucky fluids and diseases and ova and sperm).
so why would i still subconsciously
have some need to have sexual situations forced upon me,
even in fantasies,
for them to be enjoyable?
it doesn't make sense.

and why are these types of power-struggle fantasies arousing
even when they /don't/ deal with sex?
and why were they arousing
even before I had /ever/ mentally connected them to sex?

whenever i try masturbation
without those types of fantasies accompanying it,
it is a lot less enjoyable.
i am much less aroused.

so, can that cliche / standard answer
really be an adequate explanation?


(sometimes i fear that if i figure out
 why certain things arouse me,
 that i may lose my ability to be aroused by them,
 and indeed, by anything else...)

i also don't like the idea
that it could be somehow due to genetics or human history;
due to strong males having overpowered weaker or submissive females
in order to have sex with them
and therefore the genes of overpowering males
and submissive females being passed down through subsequent generations.

if that were true,
then why are there also submissive males and dominant females?
hmmm. well, i suppose it could have been both ways,
dominant this and submissive that,
and it would just depend what mix you ended up with,
irrelevant of your gender.
and other people descended from the humans
who just had fun having sex without the power issue at all...

no, that altogether doesn't make much sense.
does it?


outside of these fantasies,
i don't like the idea of submissiveness at all.

i feel switchy sometimes,
since i can sometimes switch my viewpoint in fantasies,
and still be aroused.
although i'm never really sure if the arousal isn't
still due to the underlying / original viewpoint.
it isn't so much switching viewpoints,
as merging them.
i'm feeling both/all characters at once.