november 2003
attraction.
when i see photos of some people,
i think "they sure look good."
i find them attractive, but what does that really mean?
it's not a sexual attraction.
i'm not thinking about sex when i'm thinking that they look good.
example.
a certain ftm individual looks very attractive to me.
but when i consider, what if this was actually a biological male -
would he still seem as attractive?
No, he wouldn't.
so what does that mean?
is this certain type of attraction based on wanting
to have the same qualities as the other person?
but what is attractive about those qualities,
that makes me want to have them myself?
androgyny.
a boy who can look like a girl.
a girl who can look like a boy.
a male wearing makeup.
a female with short spikey hair.
a person whose sex is indecipherable.
it isn't necessarily me wanting to have the same qualities
as the person i find attractive.
it is a matter of aesthetics.
i find androgynous looks aesthetically and mentally pleasing,
and that is what attracts me.
there are also some non-androgynous looks that i find attractive.
some guys with short spikey hair.
some females with shaved heads.
lean muscular females.
males or females with brightly colored dyed hair.
or in goth mode.
etc.
those are also aesthetically or mentally pleasing looks to me.
why? who knows....
perhaps because they are unusual?
i am attracted to the unusual.
but not to just any unusual look...
i don't like stereotypes of gender.
when i see people whose appearances
seem to defy those stereotypes of gender,
i find them attractive.
when i see someone who used to be female
now looking like a male,
that somehow defies the rigid binary gender system,
and i therefore am attracted by it.
whereas if i see someone who has always been male
with the same appearance,
even though they may not be bad-looking at all,
it lacks that gender-defiance,
it lacks that breaking of the rules,
so it doesn't attract me in the same manner.
..
visual attraction for me
doesn't seem at all to be a sexual thing.
...
it's hard being a 31 year old human without knowing
what one's sexual preference is, or not being able to
explain it. never having been sexually attracted to
a real-life person, does that make me asexual?
Perhaps, but i rather think i just haven't met the
kind of person that would sexually attract me, not
that i can't be attracted to anyone. But if I can't
easily explain the type of person I would be attracted
to (since I haven't experienced such attraction, and
therefore have no concrete examples to give), how do
i explain my sexual preference? Or if my preference
isn't mainly based on gender, what word do i use?
If I only have sex with myself, does that make me
autosexual?
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