December 2004.


So why is it that when I was interacting with Wonderful-Dom-Dude-Number1
(Wododunu) thru IMs and email, and when thinking back upon our actual 
physical interactions, that I was able to become physically/sexually 
aroused, yet during the actual physical interactions with him, I didn't?

When I interact with someone in person, I do it from purely my 
own perspective. I don't much try to guess or assume what the
other person is thinking or feeling; instead I mainly react to what 
they actually say and do.

But when I fantasize, including when I was thinking back upon my
interactions with Wododunu, I view things from the other person's
perspective as well as my own... I know what the other person is 
feeling and thinking and wanting, as well as what I am feeling and 
thinking and wanting.  I can do this, because I know it is a
fantasy; I allow myself to add things to the mental experience to
make it more satisfying, because I know it is all only happening
within my head. It doesn't really matter if Wododunu didn't feel or 
think or want those things which I was imagining, because it was just 
a fantasy or rather an embellished memory within my own mind. What
I only imagine within my own head when I'm alone shouldn't have any 
real-life consequences, and therefore it is safe to do.

I can't do that though, or choose not to, when interacting with 
someone in person, because I don't want to mix fantasy and reality.
I don't want to assume what someone else is feeling, with no proof
of it, because they probably aren't really feeling those things.
I would feel stupid and embarrassed to react to something based on 
things I was pretending rather than based on what was actually real.

So unless I get enough real communication and feedback from the
other person as to what they're actually feeling and thinking and
wanting, and unless those feelings and thoughts and wants match up
with the things that arouse me, I'm probably not going to be able 
to get very aroused with someone in real life.

When I was chatting with Wododunu thru IMs or emails, there was some 
of that kind of communication going on... I did start to get an
indication of what he might be feeling/wanting, and so I was able
to respond to it mentally/physically/sexually and become aroused
by it.

But then there was all that in-between time with little or no 
communication going on, and that caused a lot of doubts and 
uncertainties for me. Even when we finally did meet each other in 
person, I didn't believe that I truly knew how he felt about
anything. I certainly didn't have enough trust, or enough of a 
bond with him, to believe that anything I might have liked to have
imagined was actually true.

I wouldn't want to make myself that vulnerable... to allow myself
to become aroused with someone... when I'm not sure if they even 
like me, much less if they're turned on by the same kind of 
things I am.

It would be like...
being alone with someone in a little rowboat, way out in the middle 
of a vast ocean... and then finding out that no, there's not really 
someone in the boat with you like you thought, you're actually all 
alone...

But then again, even if I really did think someone liked me, and
even if there was good communication and indications of us having
complementary needs/desires, I'm still not sure if I could get 
physically aroused with someone in person, in real-time. 
In real-time, I'm only in my own head... I'm not an omniscient 
narrator... there's no telepathy, no seeing both sides at once...

Even if someone were to tell me how they were feeling while they 
were interacting with me in person, would I be able to believe them?
Would I be able to believe them enough to allow myself to respond
to it?  As opposed to thinking that they were saying something, but
that I still didn't know for sure how they really felt?