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May 28, 2005 I used the glass bloopy "massage wand" thing this morning again. [Hmm. Apparently, "bloopy" isn't a real word. To me, it means a shape made up of spheres stuck together. (I wonder how I came to associate the word "bloopy" with that?)] I was fantasizing about a dom wanting to fuck me... and me wanting to please him, because I get pleasure (arousal) from pleasing him... his pleasure is my pleasure, and his pleasure is his pleasure too... him wanting me to please him is his, and my, pleasure. I fingered my vagina, with 2 fingers (before my hymen was broken, I could only fit 1 in easily) and imagined he was doing it... letting him have control of my body... then I put the fingers in my mouth and imagined they were his tongue... (even though I feel squicky about anyone's tongue and saliva getting in my mouth in real life). He was wanting me to use a dildo for practice, ie., to practice putting a big thing in me, so that I would eventually be able to handle/fit his penis in me without it being too difficult or painful. So I decided to try to put the big end of the glass bloopy thing into my vagina this time, instead of just the small end. I licked and sucked on it first, to warm it up... with the glass, you can hear the click when your teeth touch it, and I imagined he didn't want me to have my teeth contact it, for practice doing oral sex, so I tried not to... And I was feeling aroused, but I imagined he had told me I wasn't allowed to masturbate my usual way to orgasm, until after I had first been able to fit the big end of the glass bloopy thing in me. When I put it in my vagina, I started out with the small end first... and I did get a small orgasm during that - I even believe it was what they call a vaginal orgasm as opposed to a clitoral orgasm, since it didn't feel centered in my clit. It didn't seem quite as pleasant as the clitoral orgasms usually do - like a slightly bitter/darker feeling to it, if that makes much sense. And it was perhaps even more fleeting than my clitoral orgasms. I think I had an orgasm like that a previous time when using the purple silicone bloopy thing in my vagina, although it was hard to tell then whether that was really from vaginal stimulation or not. When lying on my back with the glass bloopy thing in me, I can take my hands off it without it coming out, and can feel it being there... It has a certain weight to it. I tried to push it out just using my vaginal muscles, but wasn't able to. Maybe because the diameter of it isn't as big as the other dildo was, which I was able to push out, or because the bloopy shape makes it more difficult. I took it out and licked it clean and sucked the other bigger end warm, and then tried putting that end in. It was difficult. It hurt. But I imagined him telling me it was good pain, because this was for him... and I got the big sphere in eventually, and even the next smaller sphere too... I felt good that I had succeeded. I pushed it in and out a little for a bit. It didn't hurt as much while doing that - probably because it's mainly the narrow part of my vagina near the opening which hurts when something big is pushed through, and the big part of the toy had gone in beyond that part. But then when I wanted to take it out, it felt like it wasn't going to come out, and I had a moment of terror (what if I had been relaxed enough to get it in, but now my muscles had tightened and I wouldn't be able to get it out again!?!) Then I thought that maybe I would have to pull it out forcefully, and it might really hurt, or break something... But I did manage to pull it out after a few strong tugs, without too much difficulty and only a brief pain. Then I turned over onto my stomach and tried putting it in from that position, with my hips up a bit, since it seemed easier that way when using the other dildo... or maybe I did this later, after the next part... After finishing with the glass thing, I allowed myself (imagined him allowing me to...) masturbate my usual way, by lying on my stomach and pressing my clit against the mattress (I had a towel under me since I was naked), and I orgasmed from that. I continued off and on like that for a while, and climaxed a few times. I was imagining him on top of me while doing that, and maybe him even fucking me, or something nebulous like that. It seems that I don't usually get to the point of orgasm unless I'm imagining the person fucking me (or doing whatever to me) feeling good from it... if I focus on myself, it's harder to reach that point, but if I focus on the other person (and/or switch to imagining myself being the other person), then it comes a lot easier. As if doing that somehow lets me let go more, relax more... by not thinking about myself, I relax more, and getting a climax is easier. Perhaps that is similar to how it is also easier for me to climax when I imagine having been drugged with something that makes one more aroused. Imagining that also lets me relax more, by having things seem more out of my control - I don't need to be in control because my body is reacting of its own drugged accord. * back |