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 ~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ gender, sex, BDSM |
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~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ gender, sex, BDSM |
| * jun 18, 2006 (from LJ) |
questioning my sexuality The things I think about while masturbating (I feel it's not even apt to call these "fantasies" anymore) leave my mind feeling dirty afterwards, like I've been watching a very bad TV show or movie. If I were watching TV and something like that was on, I'd choose to change the channel or turn it off. But here I am, steering my mind towards that kind of unpleasant trash on purpose, just to be able to masturbate. It makes the whole experience seem unpleasant. I don't know why I even do it anymore. When the fantasies were "good" (in terms of how they affected me), it was a different matter. But like this... I just don't know. It's like eating some cheap cookies that you know are going to leave a bad taste in your mouth, just because you don't have any other snack food on hand. And good god, sex in real life... to have someone else naked next to me, doing stuff like that with them... Why would I want to do that? If I don't even like it in my imagination, why would I want it in real life? Why do I want a relationship, when having a non-sexual relationship sounds boring and unappealing, and yet a sexual relationship seems icky and unpleasant? What do I want? Is it possible to have an enjoyable BDSM relationship without sex, when the reason you are interested in BDSM is because it sexually arouses you? Is it possible for me to feel like I'm submitting to a Dom, if I refuse to do anything sexual with them? Is it possible for me to enjoy submitting to a Dom, if I have to do sexual things? Is it possible for me to enjoy submitting to a Dom, if I don't have to do sexual things?? |
| * apr 30, 2006 |
In retrospect it seems rather obvious, but it's just occurred to me what my fantasies over the last few years have been lacking... LJ entry... |
| * jan 22, 2006 |
i guess you know you're really horny when you're reading things that would usually not be your kind of thing at all, and it makes you want to masturbate anyway. garrrrr.... oh jeez i really really want to. dammit. i wish i'd stop torturing myself like this. i mean, really, all i have to do, is stop thinking about it. |
| * jan 8, 2006 |
I am now not allowed to masturbate except when my dom has given permission for it. This is a very arousing thing for me to think about. When I am feeling even a little bit horny, I seem to like to tease myself... thinking about it... getting aroused... being aroused... not being allowed to go any further, physically... yet, mentally delighting in the frustrating goodness of it. Last week on the day I had permission, it was so easy to get to an orgasm. I was so horny that I didn't even have to fantasize about anything. And then, not knowing when the next time would be that I'd be given permission, it seemed best to take full advantage of it. So I masturbated more, and more, and climaxed a couple more times, although by then I was fantasizing a bit too. I wonder if I will get used to this, and it will no longer seem such an arousing thing. |
| * aug 31, 2005 |
Some doms and subs seem to consider the ideal D/s relationship to be one where the submissive is totally, completely obedient to the dom. This is what they seem to seek and/or strive for; this seems to be their goal. They want the sub to be taught/trained to let go of all resistance, and in a way for the sub to simply become an extension of the dom's will. Parts of that can appeal to me. I like the idea of the training itself (the journey, not the destination). I like the idea of being bent to the will of another (the bending itself more so than the final stage of being supple and malleable). But having that end goal is not at all desirable to me. It seems that if I, as a sub, were completely obedient to my dom, and had no internal nor external desire for resistance left, the relationship would no longer be fun and interesting for me. The thought of being forced to do things turns me on. If I were completely obedient to my dom, if I couldn't express any resistance... and/or if I didn't have any resistance... it doesn't seem like it would be arousing for me anymore, or at least not in the same way. I might still feel other pleasant feelings from pleasing my dom, or from being praised, or from being useful... but I don't think it would be nearly as much fun, or as satisfying, as it would otherwise. I'd probably feel stifled, being expected to be "good" all the time. Not being able to be bad or rebellious. My natural inclinations are to want to please and to be good... so I'm not even sure how to be bad and rebellious... but there seem to be powerful and primal feelings involved in wanting to be forced to do things, in wanting to express resistance, and to be overpowered. In wanting to feel the strength/power of someone (whom I trust and respect) over me. To feel that, instead of being at the point where it is taken for granted and never tested. If someone forces me to do something, I know that they care... I know that they want it... I know that they want me... If someone expects me to do something, that seems rather boring. The idea of being a good obedient joyful submissive seems sort of icky to me. It is not my goal. It is not my desire. In one of my fantasies, I was expected to be completely obedient. But that wasn't the goal so much, as an underlying assumption. An extra reason for punishment (for arousing scenarios), for when I was being rebellious. Even when I reached the stage in the fantasy where I had been "trained" to be swiftly obedient (for the most part), there were still situations where my obedience was made difficult, where I had to question it... where I had internal mental struggles with it... It wasn't a "joyful" obedience, it was rather a "mentally conflicted" obedience. A not-quite-willing obedience. A being-forced-to obedience. It still allowed for some arousal on my part. Arousal, arousal, hmmm. Is that what it all comes down to? Or are there other deep emotions mixed in with that arousal? Real life is different from fantasies. I feel exciting emotions from real life scenarios which I don't usually encounter in fantasies. But still, I don't believe that complete joyful obedience thing is for me. |
| * jul 31, 2005 |
i actually talked to Forestfen today about orgasms and masturbation and how they felt to her. it sounds like she's had bigger/stronger orgasms than i have, although she wasn't able to describe them well other than saying they're this wonderful "high". she doesn't seem to believe me, about my nipples not being an erogenous zone for me. although i suppose no part of my body is really an erogenous zone except when i'm in the right mental state, and when I am, any part of my body could be. |
| * jun 18, 2005 |
I still don't see why most other adult females seem to enjoy having things shoved into their vaginas. As if they must have different nerve endings. Even sticking a vibrating thing up there doesn't do much for me. It just feels like something vibrating inside me. Why am I different? What is different about me? Did my body and brain develop differently, and if so, in what ways? |
| * jun 8, 2005 |
It seems to me... that things have a lot more power to affect you when they're new. In a D/s sense, when you submit to someone by doing a certain thing, and it's the first time you've done that certain thing for someone else, it can be quite an affecting feeling. Yet eventually, after you've done something several times, it must lose much of its power. You become used to it, and although it may still affect you somewhat, the feeling most likely won't be as intense as it was in the beginning. So then, even if you meet someone new, and do the same thing for them, you'll already be used to it; it won't affect you that much. Eventually, you get used to kneeling and to saying "Sir", or to being naked, etc. It becomes routine. So, since doing the same things doesn't affect you as much, you have to try new things. In order to feel that same level of power exchange, of being controlled, you would have to keep trying new things... you would have to keep going further and further... submitting to more and more difficult things, just to get that feeling you crave. You might start out being fulfilled doing simple things, being an occasional part-time sub; but eventually, in order to stay feeling fulfilled, you may end up wanting to be a full-time slave. And it must be the same way for some doms. The first time someone kneels for you, it might knock your socks off, internally. But eventually, after having had lots of people kneel for you, even if you get a new sub who's never kneeled to anyone else before, and they then kneel for you, it still might not seem so special to you. You would have to keep getting your subs to do new things, things which maybe noone else has ever done for you before. More and more difficult things, to get that feeling you crave. I wonder if pain gets old and routine too, or if its intensity remains the same. (Menstrual cramps don't feel less painful, for your having experienced them bunches of time before.) If you submit to someone by letting them inflict physical pain on you... and if the physical pain feels as painful as it ever did for you... is that something that you don't get used to? Or do you get used to submitting to the pain, even if you don't get used to the pain? And if it's the submission as opposed to the pain that turns you on, do you eventually end up only feeling pain and not arousal? Or would you need to feel more and more pain, in order for it to seem arousing...? |
| * jun 4, 2005 |
Sometimes I wonder if I am more of a bottom than a submissive. Or if neither term truly fits me, nor even a combination of both. It depends on how the terms are defined. It's hard to keep in mind sometimes, that when several people seem to agree on a definition of a term, that that isn't necessarily the only definition for the term. And surely, whatever I am, it isn't so unusual as to not have a term for it... (well....) So surely there must be other people like me, yet who call themselves bottoms or submissives (for lack of any better terms) And what do you call people who switch, not between being toppish & bottomish, or dominant & submissive, but between being submissive & non-submissive, or dominant & non-dominant, etc.? human? or is it only those who consider themselves Masters and slaves, who don't switch between being dom & non-dom, and sub & non-sub? 9 levels of submission... maybe i'd be a 5 or a 6... or even 7. It's hard for me to determine how much I'm willing to do "life-practical/non-erotic" things versus "fun/erotic" things, because having a dom want me to do a non-erotic thing, especially if it's something I don't want to do, generally starts making it feel erotic to me. So then, it becomes fun/erotic. Yet, if the eroticism of something eventually faded away, and I no longer felt that something was fun, even indirectly, then I probably wouldn't want to do it anymore. If it were something useful to the dom, where I could feel that I was at least being helpful by doing it, then I might still get some satisfaction from doing it, and would be willing to do it, with the right person, at least. But if it were just a whim of the dom's, to have me do things for which I got no pleasure from doing, and things which didn't even directly benefit the dom, then I probably wouldn't want to do those things. Like for example, having a dom want me to dress in a certain way, or keep my hair in a certain way, even when not in his presence... That could seem erotic to begin with; but once the eroticism faded, it would seem annoying to me, and would either make me feel bad, or make me want to rebel. I want to dress to my own tastes; I want to have my hair how I like it, and why the heck should I let someone else dictate those things to me? Then again, there is the consideration that I might be willing to do certain unpleasant things, in exchange for the anticipation of eventually having pleasant things done to me... But for that to work, the anticipation of the pleasant things would need to be real and strong enough to be able to offset the displeasure I got from the other things. There would need to be enough of a certainty, that I would eventually get to the good stuff, to make me be willing to put up with the bad stuff. So, my "submissiveness" is really more about me, than about wanting to please and/or serve someone else - even though pleasing and/or serving someone else could also be enjoyable in the right context. I desire to submit because it makes me feel good, and if I don't feel good from something, then I don't want to do it. I like being a free, independent person, with my own opinions, likes & dislikes, interests & disinterests, and the right to do, or not do, whatever I choose to do or not do. I also like the idea of being dominated, because that makes me feel tingly/sparkly/aroused/good. But I don't want to be a slave; I don't want my whole life to be based on serving someone else, on pleasing them, just for the sake of pleasing them. I'm too selfish for that. And I don't view that selfishness as a bad thing, just like I don't view a dom's wanting to dominate, in order for themselves to get pleasure from it, a bad thing. |
| * may 15, 2005 |
One reason why it might be harder for a sub, as opposed to a Dom, to view a D/s relationship as being very casual, is that the Dom often assigns the sub tasks to do on zir own time. At the minimum, the Dom only needs think about the sub when they're both actually interacting with each other. If they don't live together, and if they don't have any regular daily interactions, the Dom can possibly go days without even thinking about the sub. But the sub is likely to be thinking about the Dom whenever ze is performing those assigned tasks, even during times when ze isn't actually interacting with the Dom. So therefore, the sub's mind is more often on the Dom, than the Dom's is on the sub... that is why a sub is more likely to feel that the relationship is more serious than the Dom does. |
| * may 3, 2005 |
i was thinking this morning, maybe the aftermath of a dream... it seems a scary thing, to be looking to give up my freedom like that. to let someone else tell me what to do, and not do? to be searching for someone like that; what a crazy thought. to give up my independence, just because doing so happens to arouse me? because it makes me feel crazywonderful feelings? it wouldn't actually be giving anything up, it wouldn't actually arouse me, unless they wanted me to do things i didn't want to do... to be wanting to have to do things i don't want to do? to be wanting not to be allowed to do things i want to do? scary. would i still be the same person, if i had to be the person someone else wanted me to be? do i want to live my life according to someone else's plan, as opposed to my own? good god. scary. but then, i've been dead a long time already, being my own person, so why not? but... to let a mere mortal boss me around??? any of these mere mortals??? i want my god, goddammit! my damn *** god, who abandoned me on this damn planet, damn. heck, no. i'm angry at zir. i don't want zir neither. in fact, i don't even believe in them no more. damnit. ok. i think it is time to go to bed. |
| * apr 25, 2005 |
Fantasy... Being forced to do oral sex... For now, I can still fantasize that, because I haven't actually done it. It's still something that I can imagine or pretend is a horrible, humiliating, downgrading thing to have to do. And therefore, fantasizing about being forced to do it, can still affect me in a good way. I can still truly imagine the being forced to part... can still feel that arousing internal conflict... can still feel the giving in... still feel that arousing deep emotional/mental state... But I worry that once I actually do it in real life, it will no longer seem a big deal to me. I won't be able to fantasize about it like that anymore. If you've done something willingly, how can you truly fantasize about being forced to do it? It doesn't seem as believable then. Because if you've done something willingly, how can it really be something so horrible? I haven't fantasized as much about being whipped or flogged, lately. And maybe it is because I've experienced some of that in real-life. And what I experienced wasn't traumatic... those flagellations weren't vicious ones, at all... And perhaps it's hard to imagine a vicious beating, when one has the memory of non-vicious ones in one's mind. Dang it. I need someone to really beat me hard. To really make me hurt. To really make me want to safeword. At least if there was someone I liked and trusted enough, to want to let them do that to me. Except, if someone beat me that bad, I'd probably be worried about sustaining physical damage, as opposed to feeling the way I do in fantasies. Too bad real life can't be more like a fantasy. I think it might be pretty cool... to tell someone that they could do anything, within my limits, to force me to... do oral sex on them. And to have them actually force me into doing it, with me actually trying to resist it, initially... as opposed to just having someone charm me into doing it. Or maybe that's just a fantasy, too. And in my fantasies, I'm not this female creature... Sigh. . And then there's that other aspect of fantasies like that... Regardless of how quiet, or sullen, or shy, or recalcitrant, I am... (or non-responsive I am... argh...) Having someone not dislike me because of it, not abandon me because of it, not ignore me because of it, but rather even, to pay more attention to me because of it. Forcing me to do what they want, in spite of my introversion... Having them be able to see through my walls, being able to break through them... Having someone care enough, to break down my walls... Having someone understand me enough, to do it in the right way... Break down my walls, make me vulnerable, and hold on to me. Hurt me and protect me and cherish me. But I suppose in real-life, that would make me feel smothered. Sigh. |
| * mar 7, 2005... |
I was trying to think of an analogy of how I've felt about sex... To me, sex is like eating fried worms. First, as a kid, when you find out that there are people who enjoy eating fried worms, you think something along the lines of, "Oh, gross! Why would anyone want to eat fried worms!" Then, while growing up and continuing to hear about how so many people, most adults, in fact, apparently really, really enjoy eating fried worms, you start to think, "Well, other people are strange. I guess they like eating fried worms, even though it makes no sense to me; even though the smell of fried worms turns my stomach and the thought of squiggly things in my mouth makes me want to gag." After a long while, you eventually get used to the idea of eating fried worms. It still doesn't have any appeal, but it no longer seems as disgusting as it used to. Then one day while fantasizing, you think of fried worms. Eventually, you realize that the idea of someone forcing you to eat fried worms can turn you on as much as other things do. Then, you start becoming curious, and start to wonder why other people enjoy eating fried worms. You try to envision how it could be enjoyable. You try to imagine that the worms actually taste good... Maybe they actually taste like vanilla pudding! (even though they don't smell that way in real life) And perhaps the squiggly feeling in the mouth wouldn't be such a bad thing afterall? Maybe you could get used to it, if they tasted good... .. You can fantasize that fried worms are like vanilla pudding. But in real life, fried worms are fried worms. .. okay, i'm not finishing this analogy. it sort of died while i was trying to get it out. and it's a bad analogy anyway, because to me, there would be ethical concerns with eating worms, anyway. and if there weren't those ethical concerns, there wouldn't be any big deal about it; i'd just try eating the fried worms and that would be that. OMG. i just thought of another analogy, which would avoid that ethical concern, but which would be even grosser than eating worms. but I'll spare myself from writing that thought down. |
| * feb 24, 2005 |
hmmm. if a person can push a dildo out of their vagina just using their vaginal muscles, does that mean a person could do the same thing with a tampon? . if it turns out that i'm one of those people for whom sex is physically painful or uncomfortable... that could actually be sort of... an interesting thing... as part of a D/s and/or sadomasochistic relationship... actually, that seems like the kind of thing which, if i were fantasizing about it, might be a turn-on. which might possibly make it something which was unpleasant and pleasant at the same time. and so that might even be better than having sex not be uncomfortable, yet having it also not be at all arousing. but then again, in real life, if sex is painful, it probably wouldn't actually be a turn-on. but then again (so many agains, i use), what would be a turn-on, in real life??? |
| * jan 2, 2005 (from LJ) |
D/s relationships I'm still not sure what kind of a D/s relationship would work for me. Only in the bedroom, or in the kitchen and livingroom too? The idea of having someone as my "complete lord and master" is somewhat enticing... But I might be inclined to get sick of it and rebel against it in a real-life ongoing situation. I want to be in a relationship where I'm free to be my own person... where I'm free to disobey... maybe where I give someone the right to punish me for it if they so feel like it (?), but not where I'm made to feel like it's my duty as a sub to be completely obedient all the time... Then again, if I give someone the right to really punish me for disobeying, that could become quite a deterrent to feeling free to disobey.... Oh, it's so confusing, what I want... I want to be equals with my partner(s)... But then I also want them to have control over me... It's hard when you're turned on by that edge between obedience and disobedience... by the conflict between wanting to obey and wanting to rebel... Submitting to someone can be arousing for me, but after a while, just submitting would get boring... I want to fight... to be overpowered... or maybe not... ummm... |
| * nov 6, 2004 |
maybe the thing is, that i still am mostly asexual; that i still have no real interest in sex. even though i fantasize about it? but i don't fantasize about sex per se... rather i fantasize about power/being controlled, about D/s, and sexual elements are one way of expressing that underlying theme. it's not the sex itself that i find arousing, it's the D/s. and maybe the reason why my fantasies have been lackluster lately is because i've been relying too much on sexual themes. maybe if i were to focus more on non-sexual power/control themes, like i used to, it would be more emotionally affecting and arousing. is it possible to be asexual, yet still interested in bdsm? i'm interested in bdsm because it arouses me. arousal is a sexual thing. i enjoy being aroused. yet i have no particular desire for real-life sexual intercourse. or do i? is the only reason i have no desire for real-life sex, because i haven't experienced it? or would i feel the same way even if i had? or am i interested in it, but only as an aspect of bdsm, because it is the bdsm that turns me on? |
| * oct 5, 2004 (from LJ) |
I don't shave my legs. I don't shave my underarms. But somewhen in the distant past, I did start plucking the dark thicker hairs from my chin. An occasional thing. I suppose I was embarrassed by them, or thought they made me look bad, or wanted a smooth chin, or whatever. For the last few weeks I've been letting them grow again. There's something I like about them at the moment. They look sort of good to me, instead of bad. I can picture myself with a long stringy beard on the bottom of my chin, and I like the picture... Odd, I've never had much desire, if any, for facial hair before. Perhaps it seems that a thin beard would complement my current haircut well... my hair is ~1cm short all over, except in front of my ears where it's about ~2cm, and a small part on the top-back of my head which I left long (long enough to make a small ponytail). Nice little daydream, to have a beard like that. To prove that females can have beards without it being a bad thing. Or to project my androgyny. Or just to look cool. But I suppose most likely the hairs won't ever grow that long. Or even if they do, there aren't enough of them for a beard. Or perhaps I'll start being embarrassed by them again, and think they don't look good, and pluck the poor things out again. |
| * aug 10, 2004 (from LJ) |
In stories and movies, the following kind of scenario always seems to affect me deeply.... a girl is good friends with a boy or a group of boys, and they've grown up together, playing together, having fun together... but then when they get a bit older, all of a sudden the boys start treating the girl as different, as not "one of them". They suddenly exclude her from their activities... or even worse, sexually assault her. I remember that from one book I have, which I've read twice, once a long time ago and once more recently. Both times, that part of the story made me so sad and angry... such a feeling of betrayal and unfairness and aloneness... having your best friends betray you... having people start treating you as different, as foreign, just because of your sex, when you're still the same person you always were... |
| * apr 18, 2004 |
Maybe it's more erotic imagining myself as male or as non-female, because symbolically (culturally), it seems more significant for a male to submit than for a female to do so. Traditionally/culturally/stereotypically, males have been the ones with power and strength, and for them to submit to someone else, for them to give up that power, seems more meaningful than for a female to do the same. Traditionally/culturally/stereotypically, females have been seen as having little power, independence, and strength, and as being submissive to begin with. Therefore, if I, as a female, submit, it is not nearly as personally meaningful nor erotic as when I, as a male or an androgyne or a non-gendered person, submit. Within my mind, when picturing myself simply as a "female" and imagining being submissive to another person, the perceived exchange of power isn't as great, the emotions evoked aren't as intense (or are completely different), and the arousal isn't as strong (or isn't there at all). Of course, there's that implication again that those stereotypes, which I so despise, must be quite ingrained in me for them to affect me so much. . I don't really mind being a female-bodied person so much, except for these damn breasts. I hate them; they're so damn ugly. And they're so annoying. The problem with sports-bras is that if I get one which is comfortable when I'm inhaling, then it's too loose when I've exhaled. And if I get one which is comfortable and supportive enough when I'm exhaling, then it's too tight when I inhale. Damn fucking stupid annoying ugly things. . Yet, my mind was in a space this morning... if I get pleasure from the idea of totally submitting to someone else, my Dom; if I get pleasure from the idea of pleasing zir in whichever manner ze wants to be pleased, and if my Dom is pleased by my breasts, if ze finds them attractive, then in a way, I should be pleased at having them, in order to provide such pleasure to my Dom. Likewise, if my Dom were to get pleasure from me dressing in feminine clothing and in maintaining a feminine appearance, then I should be pleased to do so, in order to please zir. (and indeed, that is the feeling I had in regards to those dresses... a thrill at pleasing someone whom I was attracted to, even though what I was doing did not personally please me.) (and indeed, that is the feeling I had this morning in that sleepy-fantasy-space state, imagining myself totally letting go, all personal identity and desires dissolving away, being and doing whatever my (generic) Dom wanted me to...) . 2 separate factors are involved there. The arousal from giving up control to someone else, and having them use and enforce it, versus the pleasure from pleasing someone else, and being appreciated for it. (which is arousing too, but in a different, less-intense way.) Gender is fluid... flexible... so if one wants to please someone to that extent, why shouldn't one be whatever gender that other person desires? Perhaps that is okay to do in a part-time or temporary relationship. But in a more permanant, full-time relationship, it wouldn't be good. Deep inside, one would still know that one was pretending to be something which one inherently wasn't... one would feel smothered, repressed... one would feel one's inner self was not truly being appreciated. For a long-term, meaningful relationship, the other person has to appreciate you for who you are. You have to be compatible at that level... It might be arousing in the short-term to totally become what someone else wants you to be, but in the long-term... I would need someone who not only was dominant and a non-smoker, but who was vegetarian too, and understanding and accepting of genderqueerness, and whose beliefs and outlook more matched my own. Plus that important mutual attraction deal. I mean, at least if I wanted something like a closer-to-perfect relationship... Not that such things really exist... |
| * jan 26, 2004 |
Effectiveness: Only about 0.5% of women become pregnant after a tubal ligation. argh. that's still 1 in 200! can't they do better than that??? let's see... and the failure rate for condoms is... 3% so combine them, and you get a 1 in 6666 failure rate... still not so good, if you ask me. vasectomies are supposed to be 100% effective though... except in those very rare cases where the vas deferens grow back together.. fuck reproductive systems, dammit! .. okay, so if i got a tubal ligation, and my partner had a vasectomy, and if we used condoms (because condoms are necessary anyway)... well, then i suppose it would seem pretty safe. not sticking the damn penis into the damn vagina would be a lot simpler though. heh. but what if someone accidentally got sperm on their hands, and then touched the vagina? isn't that potentially dangerous? maybe i should at least get a tubal ligation. and hope none of those rare side-effects happen. damn. stupid fucking reproductive systems. could i convince a doctor to do a tubal ligation on me, when i'm still a virgin? damn. stupid medical professionals. |
| * jan 4, 2004 |
i'm thinking, it really would be a good thing to get... my tubes tied. to be sterilized. or whatever the correct term for it is. even though it seems silly, considering that there is a strong likelihood that i'll never even engage in sex with anyone in my entire lifetime. yet, having it done would make me feel more at ease. safer. the terrifying, repugnant possibility of becoming pregnant would no longer be something i would need to worry about (or not nearly as much, anyhow), when considering the idea of becoming sexually active. But. i wonder. after i've had a medical procedure to have my tubes tied, or whatever, how could i know that it really had worked? how could i trust that whatever was done, it really was done right, and that i really couldn't get pregnant anymore? there's really no way of knowing for sure, is there? |
| * dec 3, 2003 (from LJ) |
Was hellishly cold today, for South Carolina. I went out for lunch like normal. Determined to ignore my fear of Cold. It wasn't so bad. Started shivering. Or more accurately, occasionally shuddering. My nipples constricted to the point of being a pain. Like they often do in the cold. Eventually the burning cold sensation reached the stage where it was indistinguishable from a burning heat. So that I was able to imagine two burning brands on my chest... warming me. Whatever works, I suppose. |
| * november 25, 2003 |
it still doesn't really click in my mind how someone can be sexually aroused or turned on by merely seeing someone good-looking. i mean, just from an image? is it automatic, something subconscious in the brain? i have a very hard time conceiving of that, even though that is how attraction is often described. or do people see an attractive person, and in seeing them, think sexual thoughts about them, and then get aroused from those thoughts? that i could at least understand. maybe. |
| * sept 20, 2003 |
oh, man... seeing photos of this person makes me envious. oh, man, he looks so good - that flat chest, those small nipples. and knowing he is/was ftm and that he used to have breasts... and now looks like this... ahhhh, it could be me... i could look like that, maybe... envious, yearning dispirited (it won't ever happen for me, will it?) .. what would it have been like if i had been born and raised as a boy instead of a girl? probably not much different. i'd still be weird. i'd still be different and alone. |
| * sept 11, 2003 (from LJ) |
this black nail polish isn't nearly as startling to me as the cornflower blue one was. it's not even weird, really. it's just... black. it would probably be more impressive if my nails were longer. and pointier. or maybe if i was wearing black clothes. heh. with the cornflower blue, the next morning, after stumbling out of bed and into the bathroom, seeing those blue nails woke me up with a "whoa!" oh, while wearing nail polish, i'm noticing my hands do this annoying thing, as if i'm afraid to touch anything properly, as if i'm afraid that doing so would ruin the polish, ie., "ruin my nails". how... ucky. how not like me. the other day in the bathroom at work, i was turning and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and i could just ...see... an earring on my left ear. a ring-sized loop one. then i immediately began thinking, hey, that would look pretty cool... but, putting a hole (or multiple holes) in my ear(s)...? i don't know about that. and now i was just thinking it would be nice to have a hermes-symbol necklace or pin or something... what is happening to me???? i'm turning into a girl!! accccckkkkk!!!!!!!!!!! no. this androgyne's growing up and becoming... dang, what's that word? curious? exploratory? ermmm. nope. there's another word, dangit. |
| * sept 1, 2003 |
my reflection is looking sexy lately. the smooth curves of muscles on my upper arms the tendons in my neck my collarbone... the smooth skin of my chest, the tufts of hair under my arms... the occasional hint of my ribcage... not wearing a bra makes it somehow easier for me to forget or ignore that i even have breasts... unless i'm moving in such a manner that they become noticeable, they may as well not even be there. all this bare skin seems so... sexy. so good-looking. ooh, i look hot! i am beautiful... other people who could see this beauty in me, or rather the effect that this feeling has on me, that rare confidence, that positivity, that amusement... might see something in me to like, too. |
| * aug 31, 2003 (from LJ) |
whoa. this is one of the kinds of bdsm stories which quite turns me on. and then the discussion thread is pretty good too.... ahhhh...... well if you're not into bdsm, don't bother reading it. and if such a dom were in my house and had me tied up... then wandered into my kitchen and unconcernedly ate my last [hard-to-get special food item]... ooh. LOL. ooh. heh, now i can be turned on by the mere thought of some smooth dom eating up my last cornpuffs... ::eep! he's eating my cornpuffs! arghhhh.... erghhh...:: me? no sir, no i don't have a problem... please help yourself... eat whatever you like. ::ergh!:: my food is your food, sir... man. someone like that, i'd gladly give 'em my cornpuffs. ::sigh:: |
| * aug 26, 2003 (from LJ) |
i've managed recently to have a fantasy where the characters, androgynes, had breasts. the genitals were still retractable though... a sassy character, sort of like a multi-talented drag queen... age... i'm usually a younger partner in these fantasies. inexperienced. naive. that's how i feel in real life. even if i'm this old in the fantasy, my partners are at least a little older. imagining a sexual encounter with someone younger than me is odd. it's hard to imagine someone younger as having those qualities... experience, confidence, empathy... even though i'm sure most real people, including people younger than me, are much more experienced and confident than i am. maybe it's just hard imagine someone younger being interested in someone older... erk. although that's what it is in my case, isn't it! okay, maybe it's just hard to imagine a younger dominant-type person being interested in an older sub-type person... if i'm someday 80 years old, (ugh) will i still feel young and naive? do we always feel this way? |
| * aug 20, 2003 (from LJ) |
seeing men be tender with each other... being gentle and intimate with each other... makes me melt inside. why don't i have the same reaction when females are involved? why? i don't have much, if any, desire to go to regular bars. but i just realized that the idea of going to a gay bar sparks my interest. |
| * aug 14, 2003 (from LJ) |
if i didn't have breasts... wouldn't my heart and lungs get colder, without that insulating flab in front of them? if i didn't have breasts... i might be less opposed to wearing girly-type clothes. i don't like wearing skimpy tops now, because they expose the fact that i have breasts. and because shirts with flimsy straps or wide-cut necklines just don't look right with sports-bra straps showing through. but without breasts and bras, that wouldn't be an issue. and maybe, just maybe... i like being different. being a female-looking person wearing female-looking clothes is mundane. but being a male-looking person wearing female-looking clothes would be... different. although... would i be comfortable enough to expose my lack of breasts by wearing skimpy tops? people wouldn't understand. they would see me and wonder what i was. i don't want all that much attention. nor would i want people to think i was a prepubescent child. hopefully i look old enough that that wouldn't be an issue. and what are the rules for females without breasts - are they allowed to go topless? or not? ftm's can claim the masculine rules, but non-ftm's? what are females without breasts? there is no such thing... well, there are those who've had double mastectomies due to breast cancer... i don't want people to think i had cancer, and feel sorry for me. there wouldn't be anything to be sorry about. it's like cheating. getting rid of one's breasts is too much of a good thing. it's just not allowed. all the other women put up with theirs; who are you to think you can get rid of yours and still be accepted in society? you'd be a cheat, and people have no regard for cheats. if one entered a women's athletic competition, surely not having breasts might be an advantage... so surely that wouldn't be allowed? (unless they were removed due to cancer, in which case noone would want to complain and seem inconsiderate.) so, without breasts, would i no longer be a female in terms of athletic contests? not that i'd be likely to enter any, anyway. my problem is that i don't have any role-models. i don't know of any female-born, non-ftm, non-breast-cancer-survivors, who've had their breasts removed. is it even done? there was that one article... maybe it is more common among lesbians. |
| * jul 13, 2003 (from LJ) |
relationships and sex - my questions and other people's comments |
| * jul 6, 2003 (from LJ) |
heterosexual erotica: breast-fondling as the main element of foreplay does nothing for me. what's the fucking point of all that breast-squeezing, cupping, sucking? in my mind/body, breast-sensations aren't at all connected to genital-region sensations, and these stories just don't make sense to me. fondle her breast, and she moans with pleasure? eh? ridiculous. maybe it's just badly written. but even without the stupid moaning parts, it still wouldn't make sense to me. i suppose it really may work that way for other females... but it doesn't for me, and so it serves as further reinforcement that i am not female. that i am not heterosexual. and... being able to feel one's clitoris becoming erect? hmmm... really? erect, as in sticking out? hmmm... is that common? am i different in that regard as well? |
| * jun 21, 2003 (from LJ) |
interview thingy 1) You get to redesign your body from the ground up. Describe. Height - about 6 inches more. Corresponding to that, feet would need to be bigger. Legs - without that flabby bit below the buttocks, and with the muscles slightly more defined. Stomach/belly - reduce its tendency to balloon outward after having eaten. Lungs and heart - stronger, for ability to jog/run longer/faster without becoming winded. Spine/neck - perfectly aligned. Back - more cushioning muscle/flesh over the spine and ribs. Arms - with the muscles slightly more defined. Fingers - somewhat longer. Breasts - remove. Replace with chest muscles to aesthetically balance the rest of my physique. Skin/pores - no bumps, acne, greasy skin, body odor, etc. No becoming wrinkled and flabby with age. No more fat accumulation than is aesthetically pleasing to oneself. Skin & Hair - ability to change to any color/hue/shade/pattern at will (like a chameleon, sort of, except mentally controlled). Creasemarks on forehead - make them indiscernible except when I am actually creasing my forehead. Lips - reduce their tendency to stick together. Voice - slightly deeper and with greater range / greater ability to sing in tune. Nose - remove all allergies and tendencies towards runniness, post-nasal-drip and congestion. Eyes - perfect vision, including very good low-light-vision and perhaps an ability to see infrared, as long as it was something that could be turned on/off at will. Perhaps having a changeable eye-color based upon one's mood. Immune System - immunity to all diseases and cancer, but not necessarily to short term illnesses which don't cause permanent physical damage. The ability to heal/repair/regenerate body after any non-fatal physical damage such as loss of limb or severed nerves, etc. Blood - add a nonharmful substance that would make the blood taste bad to mosquitoes and all other skin-biting insects. General - body would be impervious to cold. Sexual organs - remove menstruation and ability to get pregnant. Significantly reduce lubrication/slime creation. No pubic hair. Perhaps replace clitoris with a retractible penis and route urinary tract through it. No testes, sperm, etc. Or perhaps even better, replace all sexual organs with a sexual nerve-system spread throughout the skin/body. The nerves would become sensitive when one was in a state of arousal, and sex would be a sharing of touch in such a state. Perhaps remove the entire digestive system and replace with chlorophyll in skin, or something similar, yet with the same amount of energy produced as by eating. Brain - telepathic / empathic powers, for sensing other peoples' thoughts and/or feelings, as long as they weren't choosing to block such contact. Some of the above items would only be desirable as long as other peoples' bodies were the same way. |
| * may 19, 2003 |
bare smooth chests are pretty damn sexy. sure are sexier than breasts. i would feel much sexier without breasts. |
| * jan 9, 2002 |
oh, mercy. mercy, me. this is killing me softly gently sweetly with a winsome smile with a winsomely charming smile with a charmingly spellbinding smile with a spellbindingly commanding smile aaaaaah. |
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