|
|
 ~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ |
|
|
|
|
|
~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ |
| * Oct 25, 2024 |
Oh Serena it has been a year Oreo, Valeria, Uncle Eric four years years years years tears (oh, Serena) (Zorro) yes I want to play with you cute little puppy but i can't have you following me home so i don't and yet you follow like a cute little puppy |
| * july 7, 2023 |
hey hey it's a seven seven yet again a few years onward Zorro, it's been over a year without you. i don't know how to feel not sad not guilty not pained when I think of it. Your buddies are here. We're keeping on, keeping on. i'm afraid...if I think of it. sevens even and a sum of seven who whoa? alone and not alone dead and not dead keeping on, keeping gone Valeria, Eric, Evi. stay strong |
| * jan 29, 2021 |
The leaves in the wind spinning are like birds flitting |
| * july 29, 2019 |
May you rest in peace, Frank. It's a mad world. You had style. . |
| * july 7, 2019 |
my gosh, 9 years? Can it be? since I've left a trace here. a track in the sand. how can it be. just like. life plods on and on Nine years, Nine Years! Ahoy! Ahoy out there! And may you be. Merry. So many words with the sand blowing over them some hidden in tombs, vaults not for being treasured, but for being mundane. So much of the old world, lost. Discarded, left behind. Words were supposed to be immortal. And yet libraries turn to dust too. A storm always looming. Seven Seven. Three a.m. eternal. Eternally Yours. Muah. Ah haah. |
| * oct 9, 2010 |
not safe not known reach out and touch darkness me |
| * apr 18, 2010 |
My life in words is so bland now in comparison to the past; I write paragraphs on LJ, not stanzas. I haven't been leaving poignant poetry in my wake as I used to do. Bland words. A blander life, perhaps. |
| * jan 17, 2010 |
Why do I feel like I'm dead? Am I ever going to wake up? Where will I wake up? What will I wake up to? . I killed myself because I couldn't stand it. What was it that I couldn't stand? . What would I want? Is there anything I desire? . Am I afraid to remember desire? It hurts to remember. There is nothing but sadness there, and there is nothing here. |
| * nov 21, 2008 |
Cotton in the head? Brain half-working? Chocolate to the rescue! |
| * sep 1, 2008 |
It's nice, how re-reading and editing my Tee story after all this time still makes me giggle and squee. Tee. Tea! ::giggle:: ^_^ It's verbal masturbation, is what it is. |
| * apr 20, 2008 |
I feel so alone. So totally alone. |
| * mar 24, 2008 |
i've been trying to think of what might make me happy but happiness isn't a rational thing so how can the rational mind come up with an answer? |
| * jan 6, 2008 |
Can we go back to just being online friends? You liked me better back then; you chatted with me nearly every day. |
| * jan 5, 2008 |
bleakness so, is it hormones today too? or winter? cloudy skies? i have no music in my heart |
| * oct 7, 2007 |
You know what? The way they describe orgasms is just a lie. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Heaven. |
| * aug 19, 2007 |
Perhaps my motto should be "Naive and proud of it!" because, perhaps my tendency to think well of people until proven otherwise is for the most part, unwarranted? . It's beginning to appear that the best place for a clothesline may actually be inside the house. |
| * jun 13, 2007 |
There are a few things I've done in my life, which seem hard to believe, even though I remember doing them. Hard to believe that I was brave or gutsy enough to do them. Like grounding that one outlet all by myself. Heck, even flipping a circuit breaker sort of scares me. I must've had to flip a circuit breaker while doing that; plus attaching the wires and all. Like using the public bus system on Crete, apparently buying tickets and changing busses, to go back to that one touristic site, all by myself when I was ~13 years old, to buy my mom that necklace she wanted, which she had spied when we went there together before. Like walking to that recreational center (or did my dad give me a ride, and I only walked back?) to sign up for TaeKwonDo classes, when I was in the 9th grade. Intentionally going out of my way, on my own, to interact with other people like that. There are a few things which aren't so hard to believe, but which still make me feel a bit proud of myself... Like deciding on my own to become vegetarian, and then vegan, and sticking to it, in spite of other people's non-supportiveness. Like telling my high school biology teacher that I was not going to take part in doing the dissections in that class. Like giving the valedictory speech during high school graduation. Like going to NYC on my own, and riding the subways, and booking a space in a youth hostel, and going sight-seeing on my own, even after having gotten sick with a fever. And taking the train from there to visit my dad. |
| * may 6, 2007 |
walls. . some doors are open, some are locked. . When you know someone, it's like visiting their house. Some parts of the house you are familiar with, and some not. Some parts of the house are open to you, and some not. Some rooms may have been open to you before, but now are closed or locked. And vice-versa. You very rarely know someone so well and have open enough relations with them, to have a complete picture of their house. |
| * mar 22, 2007 |
I don't want to be together with someone for a long time and then find out that they never really understood me at all. . I feel like all this hair is obscuring my inner self. I cut it off so that you can see me. It grows and I can't see myself anymore. I've never been who I've wanted to be, who I am. I've always been that girl. When I can't stand seeing this cartoon in the mirror any longer, I will cut it all off. Again. |
| * feb 19, 2007 |
I had started fantasizing something this morning, but part-way through it realized that the theme of what I was fantasizing (being used and abused by people who don't give a damn about me) was not going to give me any emotional satisfaction and that I'd be left with a bad feeling afterwards, so I discontinued it. Then I started fantasizing something else, part of one of my old fantasies, where my counterpart actually did care about me... except that it was one of the grimmer parts of the fantasy, and what I was fantasizing this time made it even grimmer. So I gave up on that one too. |
| * feb 18, 2007 |
sometimes I wonder if maybe underneath it all, I'm really just vanilla after all. but No; in some ways, vanilla people are kinkier than I am. . It's not so much the things we did that I miss (even though those things come to mind) it's the friendship and caring, having someone there... but that still exists. it's just a bit further away. . i am happy for some things. |
| * feb 10, 2007 |
Depression is the elephant in my room. Sometimes it's awake, and sometimes it's asleep, but it's always there. There's no point in talking about it with anyone else because it's too big and heavy for anyone to move. So it's best to pretend that it's not even there when anyone else is around. I don't want it to scare anyone away. . What would I do without my elephant? It keeps me company. It gives me something to cuddle up against. Who would I be without it? |
| * feb 9, 2007 |
I need to heal my soul. There's something wrong about all these tears. There's something wrong about breaking out in tears every night when I go to bed. |
| * feb 4, 2007 |
I am not compatible with this world, and the world will not change for me, so I've been trying to change myself. . How can you get yourself to believe that life is good, that there is hope for your future, when inside of you, you just don't feel it? I know it would be good for me to have hope; to believe in it. Having hope makes people happier, and it would do the same for me. But how can you make yourself believe something like that, when doing so makes you feel like you are deluding yourself? How can you stop being a sad person, when it feels better to cry than to pretend to be happy? |
| * jan 30, 2007 |
Thought: If I get over my aversion to sex, will it also lose its eroticism for me? Will it no longer have any erotic appeal for me, if there is nothing "negative" about it? This is similar to my thought about whether or not oral sex could still be erotic for me after I had done it... (apr 25, 2005 entry) |
| * jan 24, 2007 |
How much of "getting over" an emotionally fraught event isn't just the passive passage of time, but an active (albeit subconscious) re-training of one's mind not to think on those memories, or, when one does think on them, to do it in a different, less-emotional way? |
| * jan 13, 2007 |
I read through some old journal entries of mine. Two years ago, I was just as confused as I am now about what kind of relationship would work for me. I seemed to be better at describing the kinds of things I liked, though. I had more confidence in what I felt. Now, I'm not even sure about those parts anymore. I've had two more years of only being exposed to other people whose likes, wants, and desires don't at all reflect my own. |
| * dec 17, 2006 |
When you sort of tap/hit your genitals, they get this sort of thrumming feeling, like a violin string vibrating. I was thinking how getting towards the point of orgasm must be like building up a standing wave on the sexual nerves. |
| * dec 17, 2006 |
hmmm. palm of hand. heart of palm. i have your heart in the palm of my hand. hmmm. palma de mallorca. the dragon caves. the temple of doom. |
| * dec 13, 2006 |
I'm still nostalgically sad at times, missing things that happened a year ago, things that never quite managed to happened again during the whole last eleven and a half months. And other things from more recently, too. Yes, I do dwell on the past. It takes me a while until I can let go. . Maybe there is no answer for me to find, in regards to what I really want and need. Maybe I just need to meet people, and then I will find out if each person is right for me or not. And as I meet people and experience things, maybe I won't find out that Activity XYZ is not for me; maybe I'll just find out that Activity XYZ with Person ABC is not for me. |
| * nov 26, 2006 |
Unlikely little coincidences keep happening every once in a while, suggesting that perhaps life is not just a meaningless random thing. . I am not a likeable person. I have all these bad things about me. Perhaps not more so than anyone else in general, but still. Sometimes I wish I knew what other people really think of me. If they think these bad things about me like I sometimes do, or not. . I don't like my face much lately. I don't like a lot, lately. The world is looking ugly. And yet a little bit of nice music on the radio last night, and having the little colored lights on, made it seem a little better. Maybe I just need more good music. |
| * nov 5, 2006 |
Horniness is ... a yearning for genital stimulation. Orgasm is the dissipation of that yearning. For me, an orgasm isn't only a dissipation of that yearning. It also makes my headspace completely change. My headspace before orgasm is a deep fuzzy private place, where horniness brings me. A state that I feel I let myself sink down into when I'm in the mood; a deeper part of my mind that creates and plays out fantasies. The focus of my mind when I'm in that headspace is in building a fantasy... building a world and characters in it... in stringing together imaginary thoughts into something that works for me, something that gets my emotions going, something that arouses me, something that makes me feel like masturbating, something that will eventually take me to that edge of orgasm. But the orgasm itself is sort of like having a bucket of cold water thrown on me. Suddenly I'm no longer in that deep dark comfortable place, but back in the real world. A completely different headspace, one where what I was just doing - the physical masturbation and the mental fantasy - seems weird... embarassing... undignified... somewhat disgusting, even, feeling the residue of slimy fluid build-up in my nether regions. I usually try to ignore those unpleasant residual feelings. Because I know that what I was doing made perfect sense when I was in the other headspace, and obviously I must have wanted to be in that headspace, and to do those things, since I did them, and since I continue to do them whenever I get in the mood. But it's like there's one part of me which thinks the fantasy headspace is the most important thing, and that everything else - real life - is an unpleasant, unimportant thing. And there's another part of me which deals with real life, that doesn't quite comprehend the fantasy headspace, that feels it is a strange unreal and sometimes unpleasant thing. |
| * nov 1, 2006 |
while driving home yesterday i saw a little girl in a black halloween costume doing the spin-around-and-around thing in a front yard. strawberry twists fruit twistables and swedish fish am i twisted? |
| * oct 30, 2006 |
I was leaving work, walking energetically with quick long strides when the thought came to me, "Why am I hurrying? I don't have anyone who likes me; who's looking forward to chatting with me when I get home, anymore." *sigh* At which point my footsteps faltered. Then the thought came to me, about how I am quite adept at blowing away my own steam like that. And about how it probably is a good thing that he doesn't look forward to chatting with me anymore, because how can you get involved with new people, when you're still involved with the old ones? It's just the way it is. The way it has to be. . Maybe I try to think of the worst possibilities to test myself, to harden myself, to prove to myself that I can handle them. Even if my way of handling them is to weep profusely. Why do I feel it is foolish and pointless for me to consider pleasant thoughts which might not be true, but it doesn't seem so foolish or pointless to consider bad thoughts which might not be true? I don't want life to take me by surprise with unpleasant disclosures, making me look like a naive fool, so I try to think of all the unpleasant possibilities in advance. And then when life surprises me with pleasant things, I am suspicious of them. |
| * oct 25, 2006 |
|
Horniness is not a yearning for orgasm; it is a yearning for genital stimulation. Orgasm is the dissipation of that yearning. . Your mind can think/feel that someone loves you, even though they don't. Your mind can think/feel that someone doesn't love you, even though they do. It's all in your mind. . It is not dominant in my view, to expect someone to obey you simply because you want them to. It is not dominant to have an "Obey me or leave" policy. Anyone can say "obey me or leave". The dominance is in getting them to obey you; in getting them to want to obey you even when they don't want to obey you; in getting them to want to do what you want them to, even when they don't want to. It takes different things with different people, to get them to want to obey you. It takes different things with the same people, at different times, to get them to want to obey you. Perhaps there are people who are keen enough to be able to figure out what it takes with different people, and at different times, to get them to want to obey. For a Dom and a sub to be compatible, both the Dom and the sub have to enjoy the process that is used for getting the sub to obey the Dom. . Your mind can misinterpret things that other people say and do. . Or maybe for a Dom and sub to be compatible, the sub has to enjoy doing what the Dom wants them to do, to begin with. Maybe the dominance is in getting them to do for you, what they would enjoy doing naturally; in convincing them that you are deserving of it, and in keeping them convinced. . Unfinished... No time to finish the thought about the mind thing, or to remember what I was thinking about earlier. Unexecuted... How I have reacted to various cmds, and why. Which activities I liked, disliked, was neutral on, and how that affected my reactions. |
| * oct 22, 2006 |
a few more useless yet intriguing clues from the past footprints left in the sands of time . it does make one wonder... 2 people, with certain similarities... perhaps they have more in common after all, than one has yet discovered? . life is an adventure. yes, sometimes boring, tiring, difficult, and depressing, but sometimes adventures are like that. squirrels!!! . maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want to finish recording this audiotape and watching those dvds because then it will really be over. nothing left to do. oh. finish the book, too. hmm. . jeesh. reading my old journal entries is so darn depressing. what is the point of even writing them. . ok. perhaps it is not just my own journal entries that made me feel this way. i've taken other input today; read other unpleasant things today; and the sky is cloudy... although the sun is getting stronger now. but maybe those things have affected me too. i just need to let those negative things flow back out of me. and wait for the sun. |
| * oct 17, 2006 |
D/s allows or enables me to feel awe and reverence for someone else. By formally submitting, I place them in my mind at a higher level than myself. Or maybe, like I wrote another time, the awe needs to be there for me to feel like submitting in the first place... Or maybe they go hand in hand; maybe I need to feel a certain amount of awe to begin with, and then by submitting, I enable the amount of awe to grow, because in subbie mode, my mind starts doing funny things. It starts creating a fairytale around the other person and myself; I start seeing things in a different light and being impressed by things which otherwise might not seem so impressive. What makes me feel awe? I suppose sexual arousal is a part of it - if they do or say something which arouses me. Or if they surprise me by seeming to understand me better than I would expect; or if they seem to know what I'm thinking, and are even a step or two ahead of me; or if they impart an impression of wisdom by what they say and do. If they say or do something which arouses me, and I think they did it on purpose, beause they knew it would arouse me - because then I get the feeling that they know me better than I know myself. |
| * oct 16, 2006 |
Isn't it the person who's been broken up with, who usually feels sad, not the person who did the breaking up? . I feel grief in having to face the fact that I did not have what I was looking for, that I did not find what I was looking for, that I still don't even know what it is, I want. What would make me happy. Maybe nothing will ever make me happy. Sadness is my drug. I'm addicted. This is my brain on drugs. That probably means I'm not being very logical right now. So maybe I have been happy and I will be happy, eh? hmph. |
| * oct 14, 2006 |
There's no help for it. One just has to suffer through the withdrawal pains. This reminds me of a previous time. Logic and emotions don't see eye to eye. I want my fantasy! I want my sweet, wonderful... We didn't communicate well. We didn't communicate much at all about important things. But we had already determined we were incompatible, so there didn't seem much point in it anyway. . i just want something to believe in. something good. . i cling to my sorrow as if it is the only worthwhile thing i have . it was good. i'm glad i'm feeling this. it means it meant something. it means it was important and good. |
| * oct 11, 2006 |
this will be hard. it's like part of my brain has trouble seeing the bigger picture, the problems. it wants to slip back into something it doesn't see reality especially now, without reality imposing its realness on me. it only sees what it wants to see, only feels what it wants to feel. it forgets what was real and what wasn't. the rest of my brain has to remain strong and convincing. . a part of you yearns for something and even though it didn't find what it was yearning for, it wants to go back to the same place it looked before because it is able to imagine, to pretend |
| * oct 8, 2006 |
Tears are a comfort amidst pain. . yes, I'm a Bitch, you motherfuckers. |
 |